I Like His Moxie

I don't care that City signed Robinho (okay, a little bit I do. I mean, come on Kenyon. That transfer could've been wrapped up for the start of the season if you'd bucked up (Bruce Buck-ed up?) and paid 30m...but whatever). I don't even care that they took my dear Shauny back. His future was never at Chelsea. And now this:

Manchester City plan audatious 135m bid for Cristiano Ronaldo

That's awesome. Their new owner went on to say, "Real Madrid were estimating his value at $160m (£90m) but for a player like that, to actually get him, will cost a lot more; I would think $240m (£135m). But why not? We are going to be the biggest club in the world, bigger than both Real Madrid and Manchester United. Ronaldo has said he wants to play for the biggest club in the world, so we will see in January if he is serious."

This guy is my new best friend. I've always said that my favorite thing in football is crazy bullshit. Not step-overs, not trophys, not goals...bullshit. But this isn't crazy. This is absolutely batshit insane and AWESOME and wow. Just wow.

In Your Face: Dan Creamer Edition

Hey Dan. Remember that time that you called me delusional because I thought Drogba was going to stay?

Drogba Set to Sign Chelsea Deal

Lalalala Didier Drogba Lalalalala!!!!!!!!!!

Deja Vu

Hang on:

Chelsea lose on penalties because an underachieving striker missed the decisive penalty in sudden death? And a long-serving defender could've sealed the win with the fifth and final penalty? In Moscow?

I feel like I've heard this joke before and I didn't like it. Mr. Shevchenko, kindly buzz off.

Chelsea's 25, 24, 23-Man Squad

Big Phillip says he wants to cut Chelsea's squad from the current 35 down to "23, 24 players, maximum 25." Sir Alex says we're to old to challege for the title but, frankly, fuck him. So who would be my 23-25 players, you ask? Well, I'll tell you!

GK:
Petr Cech (just signed a new 5 year contract)
Carlo Cudicini
Hilario

DEF:
Ricardo Carvalho
John Terry
Ashley Cole
Jose Bosingwa
Alex
Wayne Bridge (just signed a new 4 year deal)
Paulo Ferreria
Branislav Ivanovic

MID:
Michael Essien (just signed a new 5 year deal)
Michael Ballack
Frank Lampard
Deco
Joe Cole
John Obi Mikel
Shaun Wright-Phillips

FWD:
Didier Drogba
Salomon Kalou
Franco Di Santo
Andriy Shevchenko

IN:
Robinho

Already OUT:
Steve Sidwell
Claude Makelele
Khalid Boulahrouz

OUT:
Juliano Beletti
Tal Ben Haim
Florent Malouda
Claudio Pizarro
Nicolas Anelka

That's 23 established(ish) players remaining and, after sending the three of them off on loan through December, I'd add Sinclair, Sahar and Mancienne to the mix. But 23 is more than enough.

And yep, that's right. I'm keeping Shaun Wright-Phillips. But you guys already knew that.

I'd Make that Deal (Edition 2)

This is absurd:

"Frank Lampard's future remains uncertain after sources in Italy claimed Internazionale are preparing to offer Chelsea a part-exchange deal of £15m plus the Brazil striker Adriano."

Maybe I wouldn't make this deal. But, at the very least, I'd have to strongly consider it. Inter, you just bid 8m for Frank Lampard who has one year left on his existing contract. 8m is good value for a player who's going to peace out with no compensation when the season is over. Now you're offering twice that value plus Adriano? Adriano is worth no less than 10m (he's a Brazillian, he's a striker, he's 26...if 27 year old Peter Crouch can fetch 11m, surely Adriano's worth at least 10) so, essentially you're offering 25m for a dude who's 30 and, although I've defended him all these years, who has a negligible amount of value. I know I just posted 2 days ago about how much more valuable Lamps is that Gerrard but, come on--when both Lampard and Ballack were hurt, Shaun Wright-Phillips ably performed Lampard's role. He was able to muster some impressive performances and it was a damned shame when he was pushed out of the side. Dealing Lampard makes room for Mikel in the side and creates a space for SWP to slide onto the bench. I can get excited about a lineup that looks like this:

Cech

Bosingwa Terry Carvallho A. Cole

Mikel

Essien Ballack

Deco J. Cole

Drogba


With a bench of: Hilario, Alex, Wright-Phillips, Kalou, Adriano

That's right, I'm advocating for a 4-1-2-2-1. Or, if push comes to shove, a 4-1-4-1. Down 1-0 at half, tell me you wouldn't be excited to be able to mix in Kalou, SWP and Adriano to push for a winner. Or Anelka. I'm Big Phil and I'm already excited about that idea.

All I'm saying is 25m is damn hard to turn down for a 30 year old. That's all I'm saying.

You're Kind of an Asshole

Hey Frank Lampard. It's me, Stowe. Big fan. Loved that goal you scored against Liverpool in the Champions League semis--what a moment for you and what a moment for Chelsea. Truly inspiring. You're a real Chelsea legend.

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you to stop being such an asshole. Nothing personal, you've just been kind of an anus over this whole contract thing. I mean, the club did offer you 130,000 pounds a week for four years. That's pretty generous. It'd make you the best paid Englishman in world football (better paid than even $tevie Me!). Let's face it--you're 30, Frank; you're not getting any younger. And it's not that we wouldn't love for you to celebrate your 35th birthday at Chelsea but, hey, let's cross that bridge (or that STAMFORD BRIDGE HAHAHA!) when we get to it. I'm pretty sure we won't want to pay you 130,000 pounds a week at that point but maybe we can work something out. Maybe you can even slide into a coaching role--Scolari has said he only wants to work five years, maybe you could slide under his wing for a year before your old pal Mourinho came back. Huh? Huh?

Oh, you're going to continue to be an ungrateful bitch? Cool man. Cool.


BONUS ASSHOLE ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From commenter Sé on the Times Online article about Lampard:

"Lampard is grossly over-rated. This is a guy who failed to score in the World Cup finals despite his much renowned shooting skills. Crouch, by contrast, scored two. What does the not so special one, the one who spend lots of Russian money, see in him anyway?"

First of all, you totally nailed Mourinho. I mean it's not like he ever won anything without Russian money, am I right fans of FC Porto?

And yes, Sé, you're totally right. Lampard is overrated. I mean, what kind of asshole can't score in a World Cup? I've scored three World Cup goals and I've never even officially played a game. Too bad Lampard can't be more like his super-awesome compatriot Steven Gerrard. He scored two goals in the World Cup finals. Take that Lampard, you un-clutch son of a bitch!

What's that little rhetorical device birdy that just whispered something in my ear? You mean to say that Lampard is better than Gerrard at scoring goals and generally doing attack minded things? I don't believe it!

Lampard:
2003-2004: 58 games, 16 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 65 games, 20 goals, 16 assists
2005-2006: 51 games, 20 goals, 10 assists
2006-2007: 67 games, 23 goals, 16 assists
2007-2008: 39 games , 17 goals , 11 assists
Totals: 280 games, 96 goals, 60 assists
Averages: 56 games, 19.2 goals, 12 assists per season

Gerrard:
2003-2004: 47 games, 7 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 56 games, 13 goals, 5 assists
2005-2006: 52 games, 22 goals, 12 assists
2006-2007: 55 games, 14 goals, 10 assists
2007-2008: 49 games, 20 goals, 17 assists
Totals: 259 games, 76 goals, 51 assists
Averages: 51.8 games, 15.2 goals, 10.2 assists per season

So, essentially, he's been worth an extra 4 goals a year (and 2 assists) over five seasons. No wonder his team has always finished above Gerrard's over the course of this period. Yep, overrated. Sé, you should probably stop being such an asshole.

A Lot of this is Wrong

Folks, we're nearly to the midway point of the transfer window. Very few deals worth noting have actually been signed which means it's time to speculate wildly. Apparently, the Times writers are tired of spending their time surfing the interwebs and sporadically playing games of UEFA Euro 2008 and have composed a "Story so Far/What Happens Next" transfer summary for each Premier League team. Lucky for us, they're wrong on a whole lot of stuff and I too am bored enough of Euro 2008 to spend time pointing out their mistakes re: Chelsea. Here we go:

"The story so far Luiz Felipe Scolari has replaced Avram Grant, Peter Kenyon, the chief executive, has signed a right back who can defend, Roman Abramovich has seen what he has been missing at Euro 2008 and Deco has signed for £90,000 a week."

Paulo Ferreria, Asier del Horno, Khalid Boulahrouz and Juliano Belletti are all crying in corners somewhere because of that right back jab. That's some mean shit, Times writers.

The assertion that Deco is "what Roman Abromavich has been missing" baffles me. Unless "Deco" is secret code language for fiscal responsibility and leaving a coach like Jose Mourinho the fuck alone after two Premier League titles, I'm not sure he really fits the bill. I know this is probably just a shitty example of metonymy but I'm not really sure he's what Chelsea needs either. Another aging midfielder? Sign him up! (Incidentally, I'm excited he's coming but are we any better with him than we are with Malouda or Lampard or Kalou? No.)

"What happens next? Didier Drogba is replaced by Samuel Eto’o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona, Branislav Ivanovic joins Juventus, Steve Sidwell signs for Aston Villa or Newcastle United and Claude Makelele moves to Paris Saint-Germain."

I don't know who Samuel Eto'o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona is but I think he's going to be a hell of a replacement for Didier. Great editing Times Online Staff!

Happily, it's not just forgotten commas that we get to nitpick. The Drogba/Eto'o deal makes only minimal sense--it's certainly not a like for like and while Mourinho was an enourmous admirer of the Cameroonian, he didn't come to Chelsea precisely because Abromavich (and Kenyon presumably) didn't think he was worth all the cash they'd have to shell out. And while I can usually get jazzed about 27 year olds coming off injury riddled seasons who have never played in England, I just don't see this one working out. Berbatov is not cut-price like Eto'o but would be worth the money; Santa Cruz is a viable option. Or best-available-striker David Villa if we'd like to not repeat the Franck Ribery/Fernando Torres debacle from last year.

Why anyone, much less Barcelona, would be interested in Andriy Shevchenko is beyond me.

The Branislav Ivanovic to Juventus rumor is the strangest thing in this whole article. Why? How? Who the fuck did you hear that from? The boy has yet to make his debut for Chelsea--what would compel us to sell? And will his great form for the Chelsea reserves compel the Old Lady of Turin to buy?

I don't see Makelele moving--he's been offered a coaching role at Chelsea and could probably feature in enough games (15-20, depending on how Big Phil takes to him) to keep him happy. If he wants to go to France, so be it and it's such a meaningless deal at this point (dude's 35) why even mention it?

And it was reported like a month ago that Chelsea and Villa had already agreed a fee for Sidwell, opening the door for Barry's exit. So there's one. Congrats TOL!

Could They? Might They? (or the Delusions of a Chelsea Fan)

It's been a good day for delusional Chelsea fans everywhere. Why? See below:

1. I think Cristiano Ronaldo's god-pater is my new best friend.

"I believe that he has decided he is going to Real Madrid but he is not going to say so until after the European Championship."

His mom is pretty cool too:

"Madrid is my team, the best team in the world, and I'd like him to go there. I love Madrid and I would go and live with him."

Look, I want to like Cristiano Ronaldo. He's pretty unconditionally awesome. I just might cheer for Portugal in Euro 2008. But when he puts on a United Jersey, I can't help but hope that he breaks both his legs. And arms. And neck.

If he went to Madrid, I'd be excited. I like Real Madrid. Let me rephrase that--I have no reason not to like Real Madrid. We haven't met them in the Champions League in recent memory, they haven't taken any of our players or targets of consequence (I'm looking at you Arjen Robben), they're sworn enemies of Barcelona with whom Chelsea have some bad blood. So all pretty good, right? He could go to Madrid, be the best player in the world, score tons and tons and tons of goals and I could be like, "Aw, shucks, Ronaldo. You're so cheeky and fun!" It would be awesome. I'd be a little bummed not to get to see him every week but, you know, he might just be enough to convince me to get Gol TV.

Needless to say, signing the best player in the world would be a pretty good signing for Real. It would probably end the Madrid careers of at least a couple of guys. I can't see both Robinho and Baptista staying on (and getting playing time) with Ronaldo around. Even Drenthe might be in trouble.

I'm not even going to let the silent fear of what Sir Alex Ferguson could do with 50-80m pounds enter my mind. This is too exciting.

2. I've already blogged about Mourinho coming home to Stamford Bridge. I can't think of anyone better for the job. Mancini isn't proven in Europe. Rijkard is out of vogue. Ladrup is too inexperienced (and has fallen completely out of the frame). Big Phil Scolari is untested in club football. Guus is old. Mark Hughes has no European experience. Roy Keane used to play for United. Is there no one else?

Yes there is. There's this good looking Portugese I know. He's snarky, he argues with children, all he does is win. His name is Jose Mourinho and he is awesome. If there's one advantage he has over all the rest, it is his ability to keep this squad together. It seems increasingly likely that Lamps is following Drogba out the door and heading quickly for Mourinho-land. Goodbye 35 goals a year. Mourinho could unite the core of the squad we already have and would likely be given enough of a budget to go after targets to plug the few remaining holes (probably Eto'o or McCarthy, maybe a winger with Malouda going out the door, a new keeper as cover for Cech). The one dealing that has already been done must have made Mourinho smile: Bosingwa is a Portugese who used to play at FC Porto--is there a more Mourinho buy than that?

Now, if it were just me, I'd dismiss it. But Chelsea Blog agrees. Come on Jose. Make my summer. Please.

Among Chelsea fans, there also seems to be growing support for Martin O'Neill. He seems like Diet Jose to me--still very fiery and entertaining and seems to have great control over the training ground. He surely has earned a shot at a big club and, if we can't have Mourinho, I'd love to be the club to give him that shot.

So Ronaldo, go. Mourinho, come. It's really very simple.

Make It Rain on them...Potential Transfer Targets.

The Guardian has a list of potential transfer targets for Chelsea and United. Let's have a look see:

Chelsea:

RAFAEL VAN DER VAART 25
Have never seen him play. Have heard wonderful things. Think the last thing we need is another midfielder unless we're moving to a four (or five) man midfield. Even so, bringing him in to a central role would force either Ballack or Lampard out on the wing while leaving even less room for Essien and Mikel (who, along with Kalou, is Chelsea's most important young player to develop). Next.

KAKA 26
Not gonna happen. Would be a great guy to sit behind the strikers in a 4-3-1-2 or a good second striker if we're only going to play one up top. But, realisitically, he doesn't fit into a system built around a strong central striker and doesn't leave much room for Ballack or Lampard surging forward from midfield. It would take 50m+ pounds and a complete change of philosophy (and a purge of some key personnel) to accommodate him--neither of which seem entirely realistic.

KLAAS JAN HUNTELAAR 24 (and the usual suspects--VILLA (26), ROBINHO (24) and QUARESMA (24))
By all accounts, Robinho is on his way. Buying guys (Bosingwa included) before you install a new manager seems strange and risky and strange but I guess Peter Kenyon knows best. Robinho is a solid buy (though I'm not sure is he's worth 25m+) if he can work in with Cole and whoever is playing striker. He's a proven scorer from the second striker position and should be able to drift out on the wing and be, hopefully, more effective than Malouda. Villa and Huntelaar seem dependent on the futures of Drogba and Anelka (whose position gets more shaky by the day). While I like to delude myself into believing that Drogba is staying, this and other articles suggest otherwise. Strange to think he might leave against his own will. It'd be a shame and Kenyon would be a fool to let it happen. Unless we're dealing Cole (or not signing Robinho), Quaresma seems surplus to requirements.

SERGIO RAMOS 22
Put off the Ramos signing for a few years and, instead, make sure Carvalho will stick around. He's consistently as good or better than Terry and letting him go would be a big mistake. In two years, Ramos will have surely fallen out of favor at Real (isn't that what happens to all defenders in Madrid?) and we can buy him when he's a more mature defender for less money. Problem solved.

Manchester United:

IGOR AKINFEEV 22
Who knows? They've already got one of the top young keepers in England in Ben Foster (if he can stay healthy) so it seems a little redundant. But Kuszczak is shit so maybe it's not such a bad idea.

DANI ALVES 25 (along with MICAH RICHARDS (19) and ALEKSANDR ANYUKOV (25))
They need a right back--for god's sake, they played Wes Brown there in the Champions League Final. I don't see Richards crossing Manchester and, if Alves were coming to England, I think he would've already signed for Chelsea or Liverpool (what a crush Rafa had on him!). I wish I had watched the UEFA Cup so that I knew anything about Anyukov (who plays for Zenit) but, alas, I did not because it was the UEFA Cup.

MIGUEL VELOSO 22 (and two guys from Zenit who are, also, presumably holding midfielders)
Arsenal are also fond of this prospect from Sporting Lisbon. Considering that United are pretty well suited at that position (with both Carrick and Hargreaves signed to long term deals), I'm going to say that Arsenal are the favorites. They can't seriously expect for Gilberto to play there next season, can they?

WILSON PALACIOS 23 & LUIS ANTONIO VALENCIA 22
I like that The Guardian only grouped these two together because they both play for Wigan, not because they play the same position or anything. Palacios makes more sense because, someday, Paul Scholes is going to retire and they need someone who can go forward from midfield. But I'm not sure either are really good enough, certianly not Valencia. Can anyone really see him getting a game over Ronaldo or Nani? Nope? Moving on.

LUIS FABIANO 27 (along with the usual suspects BERBATOV (27) and ETO'O (27))
Fabiano is supposedly available for 8.6m pounds which is ridiculous. That's Arsenal money. A solid player and I'd be surprised if they get him for anything less than 15m (a price which very well may push them out of the market). Berbatov and Eto'o are no surprise. But, it seems like if Berbatov were going to happen, it already would've. And Eto'o seems a much more likely target for Chelsea--I can't see him happily splitting time with Rooney or Tevez. However, he'll probably end up at Inter; Jose's always been keen on him.

Mourinho Back to Chelsea?

If I had one rule for this blog, it'd be to never post on/believe anything written in The Sun. Oh well.

Mourinho's record: 3 years, 2 league titles, 3 domestic cups, never lost a game at home (in the league).

I can't imagine why we'd want to bring Jose back....

He also came out today and proclaimed Avram Grant a loser. I swear, he may be the coolest man alive. Called Arsene Wenger a voyeur, claimed Sir Alex Ferguson had "divorced himself from reality," once correctly guessed Barcelona's team sheet (as well as proclaiming his own) for a Champions League quarterfinal at the Nou Camp. Why wouldn't you want this as your manager?

Incidentally, he's not coming back. Look for Rijkard, Ladrup or Svennis as your next Chelsea manager.