Who?

The Guardian headline read:

"NGOG COMPLETES MOVE TO ANFIELD"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who?"

The Guardian's article read:

"The Anfield club described the forward as "one of the brightest young talents in French football" and "lightening quick"..."

A chorus of football fans read on:

"...although Ngog, the cousin of the former Newcastle defender Jean-Alain Boumsong, managed just one goal in 18 matches for PSG last season." (Sidenote: I'm not sure which is worse, only managing one goal in 18 matches or being related to Jean-Alain Boumsong)

Liverpool responded:

"But we also signed Philipp Degen, Andrea Dossena, Diego Cavalieri, Vincent Weijl and Emmanuel Mendy!!!!!!"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who? We think you're just making people up."

Liverpool responded:

"No, they're for real. We promise. Rafa says they're going to be gr8!"

Liverpool fans sighed to themselves:

"Rafa, we hate you."

(This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Max Bretos Foundation for the Idiotic)

You're Kind of an Asshole

Hey Frank Lampard. It's me, Stowe. Big fan. Loved that goal you scored against Liverpool in the Champions League semis--what a moment for you and what a moment for Chelsea. Truly inspiring. You're a real Chelsea legend.

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you to stop being such an asshole. Nothing personal, you've just been kind of an anus over this whole contract thing. I mean, the club did offer you 130,000 pounds a week for four years. That's pretty generous. It'd make you the best paid Englishman in world football (better paid than even $tevie Me!). Let's face it--you're 30, Frank; you're not getting any younger. And it's not that we wouldn't love for you to celebrate your 35th birthday at Chelsea but, hey, let's cross that bridge (or that STAMFORD BRIDGE HAHAHA!) when we get to it. I'm pretty sure we won't want to pay you 130,000 pounds a week at that point but maybe we can work something out. Maybe you can even slide into a coaching role--Scolari has said he only wants to work five years, maybe you could slide under his wing for a year before your old pal Mourinho came back. Huh? Huh?

Oh, you're going to continue to be an ungrateful bitch? Cool man. Cool.


BONUS ASSHOLE ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From commenter Sé on the Times Online article about Lampard:

"Lampard is grossly over-rated. This is a guy who failed to score in the World Cup finals despite his much renowned shooting skills. Crouch, by contrast, scored two. What does the not so special one, the one who spend lots of Russian money, see in him anyway?"

First of all, you totally nailed Mourinho. I mean it's not like he ever won anything without Russian money, am I right fans of FC Porto?

And yes, Sé, you're totally right. Lampard is overrated. I mean, what kind of asshole can't score in a World Cup? I've scored three World Cup goals and I've never even officially played a game. Too bad Lampard can't be more like his super-awesome compatriot Steven Gerrard. He scored two goals in the World Cup finals. Take that Lampard, you un-clutch son of a bitch!

What's that little rhetorical device birdy that just whispered something in my ear? You mean to say that Lampard is better than Gerrard at scoring goals and generally doing attack minded things? I don't believe it!

Lampard:
2003-2004: 58 games, 16 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 65 games, 20 goals, 16 assists
2005-2006: 51 games, 20 goals, 10 assists
2006-2007: 67 games, 23 goals, 16 assists
2007-2008: 39 games , 17 goals , 11 assists
Totals: 280 games, 96 goals, 60 assists
Averages: 56 games, 19.2 goals, 12 assists per season

Gerrard:
2003-2004: 47 games, 7 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 56 games, 13 goals, 5 assists
2005-2006: 52 games, 22 goals, 12 assists
2006-2007: 55 games, 14 goals, 10 assists
2007-2008: 49 games, 20 goals, 17 assists
Totals: 259 games, 76 goals, 51 assists
Averages: 51.8 games, 15.2 goals, 10.2 assists per season

So, essentially, he's been worth an extra 4 goals a year (and 2 assists) over five seasons. No wonder his team has always finished above Gerrard's over the course of this period. Yep, overrated. Sé, you should probably stop being such an asshole.

Still Hanging On

Just to offer some perspective on this Ronaldinho to City thing, here are things/players you could buy for only (roughly) 13m pounds:

Paulo Ferreria
Michael Carrick
Yakubu (who's 25...up until a couple months ago, I thought he was like 38)
Alfonso Alves
Louis Saha
2x Alan Smith
13/21sts of Shaun Wright Phillips
UK-based polyurethane specialist Baxenden Chemicals Ltd
An inflation adjusted version of Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man

That was one of the more pointless exercises I've ever engaged in. However, who would you rather have? Carrick is solid, so is Yakubu and (potentially) Alves. Ferreria and Saha are okay. Alan Smith scored 0 goals and had one assist for Newcastle--can Ronny do twice as good as that? SWP (God bless him for continuing to believe his future is at Chelsea) managed 3 goals and 4 assists--maybe Ronaldinho can do 61.9% as well as this?

I know this is cherry picking but this shit is out of control. Transfer fees baffle me because they're so heavily based on speculation rather than based in some rational hierarchy of performance. They're also influenced insanely by who is buying and who is selling (which is why the "Chelsea spends too much" argument doesn't hold water for me--we spend a lot because people know we can spend a lot). But, more and more, player values are being falsely inflated/reduced because of short term performance (almost like the "en vogue" factor) independent of any other factor. Take Gareth Barry for example. I've watched Villa play a lot this season--they're one of my favorite sides outside of Chelsea. Barry is solid. He's good. He's above average. But, Liverpool have prepared themselves to make a 20m pound bid for him. 7m pounds more than Ronaldinho.

Let's do a quick rundown of stats that might warrant a higher/lower fee:

Age:
Ronaldinho: 28
Barry: 27
Advantage: Barry (slightly)

Position:
Ronaldinho: #10/Creative Player/Deep Lying Striker
Barry: Center Mid
Advantage: Ronny (I'd argue finding a creative player is much harder...though it can be argued)

Nationality:
Ronaldinho: Brazilian
Barry: English
Advantage: Barry (with the possibilty of the 6+5 rule, this could be big. This could be 7m pounds big.)

Looks pretty even right? Hang on, I think I forgot something:

Talent:
Ronaldinho: He's fucking Ronaldinho
Barry: Above Average
Advantage: Fucking Ronaldinho

Not to mention the potentials for shirt sales, marketing deals and the growth of the Manchester City global brand. Look, maybe I'm being dense here. I know the deal doesn't make as much sense football-wise as it might have once upon a time (though if he can even sniff the form that made him the world player of the year, he will more than impress at a mid-table outfit like City--hell he'd probably impress at Chelsea if he hit 85% of his best form...that's all it took for Ballack). But if you have the opportunity to buy a player who has huge marketing value and an enormous footballing upside, why not? If all he needs is a change of scenery, if he lights the world on fire next year, this is the transfer of the century. And, if not? Well, he cost less than Chelsea paid for Adrian Mutu so who gives a shit.

Sorry this wasn't funnier but this honestly baffles me.

EDIT: I know I'm just talking to myself at this point but, despite an injury riddled season and numerous complaints about his attitude, he still managed 8 goals in only 17 appearances for Barca this year. It's not life changing stuff here but damn, he's not the hack people would have you believe.

I'm Calling Your Bullshit.

Dear Rafael Benitez,

I'm calling your bullshit. You said the following earlier today:

"It's more difficult because after two years of Chelsea winning the league and spending big money, United needed to do the same. They started spending big money and Arsenal were also spending big money on young players. We are trying to do the same but because they are continuing to spend big money, it makes it more difficult to catch up ... We will try to do our best and the key for me is to not talk about the title."

Bull. Shit. Your teams, pound for pound, aren't good enough. You haven't bought well. You haven't coached well. You haven't looked cool doing it. But one thing you certainly HAVE done is spend money. You can't chalk it up to that oh Goatee-ed One. Other than Chelsea*, you've spent every bit as much getting significantly less out of your buys. Let's see:

Rafa's Big Buys (in Pounds):
Torres 22m
Mascherano 18.6m
Babel 11.25m
Alonso 10.5m
Kuyt 9m
Crouch 7m
Lucas Levia 7m
Morientes 6.9m
Pennant 6.7m
Bellamy 6.5m
Skrtel 6.5m
Luis Garcia 6.1m
Reina 6m
Agger 5.8m
Sissoko 5.3m
Benayoun 4.5m
Arbeloa 2.5m

Overall outlay? 142m. An average of 35.5m pounds a season. And of all the buys, maybe two great ones? Torres was hardly a visionary buy but proved to be an extremely good one. Mascherano is a solid buy but 18.6m is steep for a central midfielder. Babel, Skrtel and Agger are ones for the future. Other than that, what did you get for your 142m, Rafa? I can tell you.

2004-2005: 5th (37 points off the pace)
2005-2006: 3rd (9 points off the pace)
2006-2007: 3rd (21 points off the pace)
2007-2008: 4th (11 points off the pace)

What did big spending Arsenal and Man Utd spend over this period? I just happen to have that on hand as well.

Since 2004:
United: 107m (Rooney, Van Der Sar, Evra, Park, Vidic, Carrick, Nani, Anderson, Hargreaves, Tevez)
Arsenal: 53m (Almunia, Flamini, Walcott, Rosicky, Hleb, Adebayor, Denilson, Fabianski, Eduardo, Diarra, Sagna)

Rafael Benitez, you got served.

*-The irony of a Chelsea fan serving up a diatribe on transfer dollars spent is not lost on me. However, Chelsea inflate their own transfer fees by not exercising patience and by the simple fact that everyone knows that they can pay high prices. We payed 21m for Shaun Wright-Phillips. I mean, come on. Our squad could have been assembled for much less but it simply wasn't. We're owned by a Russian oligarch. We're in the business of paying a lot. Get over it. And it doesn't change the fact that Rafa Benitez is a total douche.