Why I Hate Max Bretos (and MLS)

Our good friend Max just dropped this knowledge on us re: Dynamo keeper Pat Onstad:

"He hasn't been in Major League Soccer as long as you think. He did get his 500th save back on May 17th, only the 9th goalkeeper to do that. He's well on his way to 600 with a couple big ones in the last few minutes here."

First of all, I don't have any sense of how long Pat Onstad has been in MLS. My guess would be that he's been in the league for at least 65 minutes as this game is now approaching the 66th minute mark.

Second of all, that's not a stat. That's not even close to a stat. Max Bretos, you should be ashamed of yourself because you know that's not a thing. I used to think you were stupid and kind of a shit-eating grin-wearing asshole but you're not. I've heard you talk about Argentine soccer--you clearly know something about the sport. And yet, here you are, touting this stat as if it's something that every good soccer fan should know. Who can name the other 8 keepers with 500+ MLS saves? If you can't answer that, then fuck you. All I'm saying is, Max Bretos, you're the reason people hate soccer.

And then, after Onstad made a beautiful kick save on a shot from 8 yards out, Bretos informed us that he was "about to stand on his head." He's an MLS keeper that's actually making professional level saves (I was wowed)--he's been standing on his head for a LONG time.

I'm Watching MLS

Yep, it's gotten that bad. Almost a month after Euro 2008 and I'm bored enough to watch MLS. On FSC. That's doubly bad.

Wanted to share this bit of lunacy from the guy who's not Christian Miles. 25th minute, Beckham setting up for a free kick in a central position 20 yards out. Non-Miles shares this little gem:

"If the wall jumps, he could also drive this ball, put it under the wall. It's very difficult for a keeper to react to a low shot."

Yeah, because that's a common, easily-executed move. I've seen it done only once, by the magical Ronaldinho back when he was at his most magical. So yeah, Beckham can definitely pull it off. I mean it's a once in a lifetime goal for a player (even a player of his caliber) but I'm sure he just saved it for this magical July night at Giants Stadium.

Beckham, unsurprisingly, smacked it into the wall.

It was followed shortly by some shambolic defending by the Red Bulls and Ruiz got on the end of a Buddle cross that most high school defenders could've cleared. MLS!

More on Landycakes.

I realized that last post was pretty heavy on Landy-hating without providing substantive analysis of Landy's performance on the pitch or real reasons for disliking him. So here goes a more thorough investigation of America's most successful goalscorer:

1. The Guardian did an interesting investigation into Peter Crouch's goals last year. People were noting Crouch's phenomenal strike rate (something like 14 goals in 20 games) and someone pointed out that most came against lower-ranked opposition. In fact, the Guardian calculated that Crouch's goals had come against opposition with an average FIFA ranking of 67.21. Michael Owen, on the other hand (who at the time had 40 England goals), scored goals against opposition ranked, on average, 45.43. So while most of Crouch's goals came against opposition roughly as good as Panama, Owen's goals were scored against better opposition--closer to Morocco. Landycakes is at a disadvantage here because the United States doesn't often play against top-tier opposition. It is still my assertion that Landy rarely scores in the few top-tier games in which he plays. I'm going to do this the laziest way possible--I'm going to use current FIFA rankings rather than taking the time to look up the rankings of the opposition at the time he scored the goals. I figure, for the most part, the fluctuations in ranking will even out over 35 goals.

Landon's Opponent Average: 65.91 (roughly equivalent to scoring against Angola)

That is to say that he's roughly as successful as Crouch. He has scored three times against Mexico but the simple fact is four-goal games against Cuba and hat-tricks against Ecuador are inflating his tally.

2. I don't like to complain about players showboating or stuff like that. I tend to believe one thing American soccer needs more of (Mexico games excepted) is more fighting, more spitting, more surrounding the referee. I think if we could show Americans that soccer is "played with the same passion as American football" (whatever the fuck that means), it might gain some respect. But I do think Landon is a traditionally disrespectful player. I wish I could find the video of him screaming at an opposing defender after he scored on him or running over and taunting the Chivas bench after scoring. No one thinks you're cool Landon. It's one thing to do something awesome (like Drogba running to the halfway line and sliding in front of Benitez after Rafa called him a diver or Robbie Fowler doing imaginary lines of coke after the press speculated he was on the charlie), it's another to be a total dick.

3. This will probably sound like I'm railing on MLS but I'm not. MLS is 10 years old. The European leagues have a 100 year head start on us. For where we are, we're doing quite well.

However, Landycakes' safety blanket approach to football is embarrassing. I think it's pretty lame that our best player, the savior of American soccer chooses to play in a C-rate league. It doesn't matter that he leads the league in scoring--he should. The defending is largely horrendous and the goalkeeping is even worse (though both are improving). I remember watching goals of the week last year and, consistently, 3 out of 5 of the nominees were from well-struck but largely mediocre free kicks. That spoke to the quality of finishing but also to the quality of goalkeeping. It's a wonder Beckham hasn't scored more--if you get it on frame, it's got a pretty good chance of going down. Simply put, Landy doesn't have the stones to play on the big boy stage. That's probably why he doesn't score more goals against strong opposition.

4. I don't really dislike him for this but his name is spelled stupidly. I know I could go back and correct the last post but, from now on, we're spelling "Donovan" as "Donavon." I'm happy with the decision.

That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the contribution he's made to American soccer. He's clearly one of the great American players of the game and I don't mean to take anything away from him (okay, maybe a little bit I do). I'd just like for us to find 11 other players better than him so I never have to see his rat face again.