Why I Hate Max Bretos (and MLS)

Our good friend Max just dropped this knowledge on us re: Dynamo keeper Pat Onstad:

"He hasn't been in Major League Soccer as long as you think. He did get his 500th save back on May 17th, only the 9th goalkeeper to do that. He's well on his way to 600 with a couple big ones in the last few minutes here."

First of all, I don't have any sense of how long Pat Onstad has been in MLS. My guess would be that he's been in the league for at least 65 minutes as this game is now approaching the 66th minute mark.

Second of all, that's not a stat. That's not even close to a stat. Max Bretos, you should be ashamed of yourself because you know that's not a thing. I used to think you were stupid and kind of a shit-eating grin-wearing asshole but you're not. I've heard you talk about Argentine soccer--you clearly know something about the sport. And yet, here you are, touting this stat as if it's something that every good soccer fan should know. Who can name the other 8 keepers with 500+ MLS saves? If you can't answer that, then fuck you. All I'm saying is, Max Bretos, you're the reason people hate soccer.

And then, after Onstad made a beautiful kick save on a shot from 8 yards out, Bretos informed us that he was "about to stand on his head." He's an MLS keeper that's actually making professional level saves (I was wowed)--he's been standing on his head for a LONG time.

I'm Watching MLS

Yep, it's gotten that bad. Almost a month after Euro 2008 and I'm bored enough to watch MLS. On FSC. That's doubly bad.

Wanted to share this bit of lunacy from the guy who's not Christian Miles. 25th minute, Beckham setting up for a free kick in a central position 20 yards out. Non-Miles shares this little gem:

"If the wall jumps, he could also drive this ball, put it under the wall. It's very difficult for a keeper to react to a low shot."

Yeah, because that's a common, easily-executed move. I've seen it done only once, by the magical Ronaldinho back when he was at his most magical. So yeah, Beckham can definitely pull it off. I mean it's a once in a lifetime goal for a player (even a player of his caliber) but I'm sure he just saved it for this magical July night at Giants Stadium.

Beckham, unsurprisingly, smacked it into the wall.

It was followed shortly by some shambolic defending by the Red Bulls and Ruiz got on the end of a Buddle cross that most high school defenders could've cleared. MLS!