Frustrated Strikers Prediction Corner: Michael Owen Edition

Michael Owen, 2009-10 Season:

8 games (+11 substitute appearances), 5 goals, 3 assists.

Injuries:

Hamstring strain: Owen comes on in the 67th minute for Berbatov in United's season opener against Birmingham City.  He comes off 6 minutes later after twisting awkwardly under a challenge from Liam Ridgewell.  He battles for fitness for the next two months.

Sprained toe: On his return against Liverpool, Owen scores United's opener.  However, in the 39th minute, he gets stepped on by Mascherano and doesn't return after halftime (replaced by Nani).  Misses 2 weeks.

Scurvy: Following a good run in the team (2 goals and an assist in 3 starts and 4 substitute appearances), Owen celebrates by taking a trip on the 7 seas as Christmas approaches.  He returns with scurvy and misses United's Boxing Day fixture.  He returns to the bench at Wigan on Dec. 28th but spends most of the game eating oranges on the bench.

Deep thigh bruise: Owen receives a shock call up from Fabio Capello in mid-February but is forced to withdraw from the squad after bumping into Ashley Cole during a light running drill.  He misses a month.  Alex Ferguson takes the opportunity to deride international friendlies.

Temporary Zombieism: After a dismal run of form, Owen is left off the teamsheet for a critical April fixture at Old Trafford against Chelsea.  However, Owen enters the field in the 7th minute looking dazed and confused.  He picks up the ball at the halfway line and wallops it past Petr Cech from 45 yards.  As officials attempt to escort him from the field, Owen bites Howard Webb on the neck, leading to Webb becoming a zombie.  United are fined 100m pounds for failing to control their (zombie) players.

Broken Metatarsal: Owen breaks a bone in his foot in the final game of the season at Stoke City.  Everyone's reaction:  "Well, what did we expect?"

After the season, the Guardian breaks the story of the year: Ferguson signed Owen to replace Saha, says "I missed having a striker who was ALWAYS on the training table."

Why Do You Need Andrei Arshavin?

Mr. Ramos,

Hi, my name is Stowe and I think you have a problem. You've been doing a lot of signing and selling this summer and, well, some of us are worried about you. You've already signed Luka Modric, John Bostock, a keeper from Brazil who's not Dida, Geovanni dos Santos, David Bentley and some dude named Paul-Jose Mpoku. You've spent almost twice as much (46m) as Chelsea (24m).

You've got 11 midfielders. You've also got Dietmar Berbatov and Darren Bent. Here's a question--why do you need attacking midfielder Andrei Arshavin? Are you going to play him in place of a second striker? That could work but you'd probaby have to leave Luka Modric out. Maybe you could slide Arshavin out onto the wing? Nope, got Bentley and Lennon (who are both right-sided players, nice choice). Maybe slide him in the center? Jenas'll be mad.

Good luck, Mr. Ramos.

Who?

The Guardian headline read:

"NGOG COMPLETES MOVE TO ANFIELD"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who?"

The Guardian's article read:

"The Anfield club described the forward as "one of the brightest young talents in French football" and "lightening quick"..."

A chorus of football fans read on:

"...although Ngog, the cousin of the former Newcastle defender Jean-Alain Boumsong, managed just one goal in 18 matches for PSG last season." (Sidenote: I'm not sure which is worse, only managing one goal in 18 matches or being related to Jean-Alain Boumsong)

Liverpool responded:

"But we also signed Philipp Degen, Andrea Dossena, Diego Cavalieri, Vincent Weijl and Emmanuel Mendy!!!!!!"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who? We think you're just making people up."

Liverpool responded:

"No, they're for real. We promise. Rafa says they're going to be gr8!"

Liverpool fans sighed to themselves:

"Rafa, we hate you."

(This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Max Bretos Foundation for the Idiotic)

Chelsea's 25, 24, 23-Man Squad

Big Phillip says he wants to cut Chelsea's squad from the current 35 down to "23, 24 players, maximum 25." Sir Alex says we're to old to challege for the title but, frankly, fuck him. So who would be my 23-25 players, you ask? Well, I'll tell you!

GK:
Petr Cech (just signed a new 5 year contract)
Carlo Cudicini
Hilario

DEF:
Ricardo Carvalho
John Terry
Ashley Cole
Jose Bosingwa
Alex
Wayne Bridge (just signed a new 4 year deal)
Paulo Ferreria
Branislav Ivanovic

MID:
Michael Essien (just signed a new 5 year deal)
Michael Ballack
Frank Lampard
Deco
Joe Cole
John Obi Mikel
Shaun Wright-Phillips

FWD:
Didier Drogba
Salomon Kalou
Franco Di Santo
Andriy Shevchenko

IN:
Robinho

Already OUT:
Steve Sidwell
Claude Makelele
Khalid Boulahrouz

OUT:
Juliano Beletti
Tal Ben Haim
Florent Malouda
Claudio Pizarro
Nicolas Anelka

That's 23 established(ish) players remaining and, after sending the three of them off on loan through December, I'd add Sinclair, Sahar and Mancienne to the mix. But 23 is more than enough.

And yep, that's right. I'm keeping Shaun Wright-Phillips. But you guys already knew that.

I'd Make That Deal (Edition 1 of Many)

Famously, Dan and I once decided that we would NOT have sold Benjani to City for 7.6m, thereby making us more qualified to run Portsmouth than their chief executive (we would've sold David Nugent and maybe Pedro Mendes to raise funds for Defoe--thereby creating a pretty impressive mid-table strike force of Benjani and Defoe supported by Utaka and Kranjcar). Ever since then, we've been asking ourselves, "Would we make that deal?" Welcome to the Frustrated Strikers first edition of I'd Make that Deal.

Spurs have decided that they absolutely gotta have Blackburn's bald-headed winger David Bentley. Their offers:

Offer 1: Bentley for Aaron Lennon + 7m
Offer 2: Bentley for Darren Bent and Paul Robinson
Offer 3: We've also got Anthony Gardner and you can have him if that makes any difference!!!!

Me, I'd take Offer 1 or Offer 2 or, hopefully, a combination of 1 and 2 that gives me Lennon and Bent and leaves Robbo as far away from my team as possible (I mean you just don't want that shit anywhere near your training ground). Lennon is younger and faster than Bentley and Bent is pretty unabashedly awesome and thrives when clubs rely on him (which Blackburn would no doubt have to do after they let Santa Cruz go). I think I speak for Paul Ince when I say, "Make it happen."

A Lot of this is Wrong

Folks, we're nearly to the midway point of the transfer window. Very few deals worth noting have actually been signed which means it's time to speculate wildly. Apparently, the Times writers are tired of spending their time surfing the interwebs and sporadically playing games of UEFA Euro 2008 and have composed a "Story so Far/What Happens Next" transfer summary for each Premier League team. Lucky for us, they're wrong on a whole lot of stuff and I too am bored enough of Euro 2008 to spend time pointing out their mistakes re: Chelsea. Here we go:

"The story so far Luiz Felipe Scolari has replaced Avram Grant, Peter Kenyon, the chief executive, has signed a right back who can defend, Roman Abramovich has seen what he has been missing at Euro 2008 and Deco has signed for £90,000 a week."

Paulo Ferreria, Asier del Horno, Khalid Boulahrouz and Juliano Belletti are all crying in corners somewhere because of that right back jab. That's some mean shit, Times writers.

The assertion that Deco is "what Roman Abromavich has been missing" baffles me. Unless "Deco" is secret code language for fiscal responsibility and leaving a coach like Jose Mourinho the fuck alone after two Premier League titles, I'm not sure he really fits the bill. I know this is probably just a shitty example of metonymy but I'm not really sure he's what Chelsea needs either. Another aging midfielder? Sign him up! (Incidentally, I'm excited he's coming but are we any better with him than we are with Malouda or Lampard or Kalou? No.)

"What happens next? Didier Drogba is replaced by Samuel Eto’o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona, Branislav Ivanovic joins Juventus, Steve Sidwell signs for Aston Villa or Newcastle United and Claude Makelele moves to Paris Saint-Germain."

I don't know who Samuel Eto'o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona is but I think he's going to be a hell of a replacement for Didier. Great editing Times Online Staff!

Happily, it's not just forgotten commas that we get to nitpick. The Drogba/Eto'o deal makes only minimal sense--it's certainly not a like for like and while Mourinho was an enourmous admirer of the Cameroonian, he didn't come to Chelsea precisely because Abromavich (and Kenyon presumably) didn't think he was worth all the cash they'd have to shell out. And while I can usually get jazzed about 27 year olds coming off injury riddled seasons who have never played in England, I just don't see this one working out. Berbatov is not cut-price like Eto'o but would be worth the money; Santa Cruz is a viable option. Or best-available-striker David Villa if we'd like to not repeat the Franck Ribery/Fernando Torres debacle from last year.

Why anyone, much less Barcelona, would be interested in Andriy Shevchenko is beyond me.

The Branislav Ivanovic to Juventus rumor is the strangest thing in this whole article. Why? How? Who the fuck did you hear that from? The boy has yet to make his debut for Chelsea--what would compel us to sell? And will his great form for the Chelsea reserves compel the Old Lady of Turin to buy?

I don't see Makelele moving--he's been offered a coaching role at Chelsea and could probably feature in enough games (15-20, depending on how Big Phil takes to him) to keep him happy. If he wants to go to France, so be it and it's such a meaningless deal at this point (dude's 35) why even mention it?

And it was reported like a month ago that Chelsea and Villa had already agreed a fee for Sidwell, opening the door for Barry's exit. So there's one. Congrats TOL!

Still Hanging On

Just to offer some perspective on this Ronaldinho to City thing, here are things/players you could buy for only (roughly) 13m pounds:

Paulo Ferreria
Michael Carrick
Yakubu (who's 25...up until a couple months ago, I thought he was like 38)
Alfonso Alves
Louis Saha
2x Alan Smith
13/21sts of Shaun Wright Phillips
UK-based polyurethane specialist Baxenden Chemicals Ltd
An inflation adjusted version of Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man

That was one of the more pointless exercises I've ever engaged in. However, who would you rather have? Carrick is solid, so is Yakubu and (potentially) Alves. Ferreria and Saha are okay. Alan Smith scored 0 goals and had one assist for Newcastle--can Ronny do twice as good as that? SWP (God bless him for continuing to believe his future is at Chelsea) managed 3 goals and 4 assists--maybe Ronaldinho can do 61.9% as well as this?

I know this is cherry picking but this shit is out of control. Transfer fees baffle me because they're so heavily based on speculation rather than based in some rational hierarchy of performance. They're also influenced insanely by who is buying and who is selling (which is why the "Chelsea spends too much" argument doesn't hold water for me--we spend a lot because people know we can spend a lot). But, more and more, player values are being falsely inflated/reduced because of short term performance (almost like the "en vogue" factor) independent of any other factor. Take Gareth Barry for example. I've watched Villa play a lot this season--they're one of my favorite sides outside of Chelsea. Barry is solid. He's good. He's above average. But, Liverpool have prepared themselves to make a 20m pound bid for him. 7m pounds more than Ronaldinho.

Let's do a quick rundown of stats that might warrant a higher/lower fee:

Age:
Ronaldinho: 28
Barry: 27
Advantage: Barry (slightly)

Position:
Ronaldinho: #10/Creative Player/Deep Lying Striker
Barry: Center Mid
Advantage: Ronny (I'd argue finding a creative player is much harder...though it can be argued)

Nationality:
Ronaldinho: Brazilian
Barry: English
Advantage: Barry (with the possibilty of the 6+5 rule, this could be big. This could be 7m pounds big.)

Looks pretty even right? Hang on, I think I forgot something:

Talent:
Ronaldinho: He's fucking Ronaldinho
Barry: Above Average
Advantage: Fucking Ronaldinho

Not to mention the potentials for shirt sales, marketing deals and the growth of the Manchester City global brand. Look, maybe I'm being dense here. I know the deal doesn't make as much sense football-wise as it might have once upon a time (though if he can even sniff the form that made him the world player of the year, he will more than impress at a mid-table outfit like City--hell he'd probably impress at Chelsea if he hit 85% of his best form...that's all it took for Ballack). But if you have the opportunity to buy a player who has huge marketing value and an enormous footballing upside, why not? If all he needs is a change of scenery, if he lights the world on fire next year, this is the transfer of the century. And, if not? Well, he cost less than Chelsea paid for Adrian Mutu so who gives a shit.

Sorry this wasn't funnier but this honestly baffles me.

EDIT: I know I'm just talking to myself at this point but, despite an injury riddled season and numerous complaints about his attitude, he still managed 8 goals in only 17 appearances for Barca this year. It's not life changing stuff here but damn, he's not the hack people would have you believe.

Hang on a Second.

From the Times:

"After having an offer of about £13 million accepted by Barcelona, City have been granted permission to discuss personal terms with the Brazil forward [Ronaldinho], who has twice been named World Player of the Year." (emphasis mine)

Hold on one goddamned second.

Look, I agree that Ronaldinho is past his best. He's looked slow and tired and I doubt that a move to rainy Manchester is really going to sunny up his disposition. But he's still farking Ronaldinho. He still did these things in competitive matches. I'm not saying he's going to light the world on fire. I'm not saying he's worth 200k a week (although, to his credit, Thaksin has done something absolutely ingenious in getting advertisers on board to pay part of his wages--this could be a new paradigm for football or just a really clever way to not shell out so much cash). But, as I've said before, he's still farking Ronaldinho. For 13m, I'll sign him for my imaginary team, Stowe FC and his duties will consist of playing pick up games with my friends and giving me lessons in my back yard.

The transfer market is absolute lunacy. More later.

I'm Calling Your Bullshit.

Dear Rafael Benitez,

I'm calling your bullshit. You said the following earlier today:

"It's more difficult because after two years of Chelsea winning the league and spending big money, United needed to do the same. They started spending big money and Arsenal were also spending big money on young players. We are trying to do the same but because they are continuing to spend big money, it makes it more difficult to catch up ... We will try to do our best and the key for me is to not talk about the title."

Bull. Shit. Your teams, pound for pound, aren't good enough. You haven't bought well. You haven't coached well. You haven't looked cool doing it. But one thing you certainly HAVE done is spend money. You can't chalk it up to that oh Goatee-ed One. Other than Chelsea*, you've spent every bit as much getting significantly less out of your buys. Let's see:

Rafa's Big Buys (in Pounds):
Torres 22m
Mascherano 18.6m
Babel 11.25m
Alonso 10.5m
Kuyt 9m
Crouch 7m
Lucas Levia 7m
Morientes 6.9m
Pennant 6.7m
Bellamy 6.5m
Skrtel 6.5m
Luis Garcia 6.1m
Reina 6m
Agger 5.8m
Sissoko 5.3m
Benayoun 4.5m
Arbeloa 2.5m

Overall outlay? 142m. An average of 35.5m pounds a season. And of all the buys, maybe two great ones? Torres was hardly a visionary buy but proved to be an extremely good one. Mascherano is a solid buy but 18.6m is steep for a central midfielder. Babel, Skrtel and Agger are ones for the future. Other than that, what did you get for your 142m, Rafa? I can tell you.

2004-2005: 5th (37 points off the pace)
2005-2006: 3rd (9 points off the pace)
2006-2007: 3rd (21 points off the pace)
2007-2008: 4th (11 points off the pace)

What did big spending Arsenal and Man Utd spend over this period? I just happen to have that on hand as well.

Since 2004:
United: 107m (Rooney, Van Der Sar, Evra, Park, Vidic, Carrick, Nani, Anderson, Hargreaves, Tevez)
Arsenal: 53m (Almunia, Flamini, Walcott, Rosicky, Hleb, Adebayor, Denilson, Fabianski, Eduardo, Diarra, Sagna)

Rafael Benitez, you got served.

*-The irony of a Chelsea fan serving up a diatribe on transfer dollars spent is not lost on me. However, Chelsea inflate their own transfer fees by not exercising patience and by the simple fact that everyone knows that they can pay high prices. We payed 21m for Shaun Wright-Phillips. I mean, come on. Our squad could have been assembled for much less but it simply wasn't. We're owned by a Russian oligarch. We're in the business of paying a lot. Get over it. And it doesn't change the fact that Rafa Benitez is a total douche.

Make It Rain on them...Potential Transfer Targets.

The Guardian has a list of potential transfer targets for Chelsea and United. Let's have a look see:

Chelsea:

RAFAEL VAN DER VAART 25
Have never seen him play. Have heard wonderful things. Think the last thing we need is another midfielder unless we're moving to a four (or five) man midfield. Even so, bringing him in to a central role would force either Ballack or Lampard out on the wing while leaving even less room for Essien and Mikel (who, along with Kalou, is Chelsea's most important young player to develop). Next.

KAKA 26
Not gonna happen. Would be a great guy to sit behind the strikers in a 4-3-1-2 or a good second striker if we're only going to play one up top. But, realisitically, he doesn't fit into a system built around a strong central striker and doesn't leave much room for Ballack or Lampard surging forward from midfield. It would take 50m+ pounds and a complete change of philosophy (and a purge of some key personnel) to accommodate him--neither of which seem entirely realistic.

KLAAS JAN HUNTELAAR 24 (and the usual suspects--VILLA (26), ROBINHO (24) and QUARESMA (24))
By all accounts, Robinho is on his way. Buying guys (Bosingwa included) before you install a new manager seems strange and risky and strange but I guess Peter Kenyon knows best. Robinho is a solid buy (though I'm not sure is he's worth 25m+) if he can work in with Cole and whoever is playing striker. He's a proven scorer from the second striker position and should be able to drift out on the wing and be, hopefully, more effective than Malouda. Villa and Huntelaar seem dependent on the futures of Drogba and Anelka (whose position gets more shaky by the day). While I like to delude myself into believing that Drogba is staying, this and other articles suggest otherwise. Strange to think he might leave against his own will. It'd be a shame and Kenyon would be a fool to let it happen. Unless we're dealing Cole (or not signing Robinho), Quaresma seems surplus to requirements.

SERGIO RAMOS 22
Put off the Ramos signing for a few years and, instead, make sure Carvalho will stick around. He's consistently as good or better than Terry and letting him go would be a big mistake. In two years, Ramos will have surely fallen out of favor at Real (isn't that what happens to all defenders in Madrid?) and we can buy him when he's a more mature defender for less money. Problem solved.

Manchester United:

IGOR AKINFEEV 22
Who knows? They've already got one of the top young keepers in England in Ben Foster (if he can stay healthy) so it seems a little redundant. But Kuszczak is shit so maybe it's not such a bad idea.

DANI ALVES 25 (along with MICAH RICHARDS (19) and ALEKSANDR ANYUKOV (25))
They need a right back--for god's sake, they played Wes Brown there in the Champions League Final. I don't see Richards crossing Manchester and, if Alves were coming to England, I think he would've already signed for Chelsea or Liverpool (what a crush Rafa had on him!). I wish I had watched the UEFA Cup so that I knew anything about Anyukov (who plays for Zenit) but, alas, I did not because it was the UEFA Cup.

MIGUEL VELOSO 22 (and two guys from Zenit who are, also, presumably holding midfielders)
Arsenal are also fond of this prospect from Sporting Lisbon. Considering that United are pretty well suited at that position (with both Carrick and Hargreaves signed to long term deals), I'm going to say that Arsenal are the favorites. They can't seriously expect for Gilberto to play there next season, can they?

WILSON PALACIOS 23 & LUIS ANTONIO VALENCIA 22
I like that The Guardian only grouped these two together because they both play for Wigan, not because they play the same position or anything. Palacios makes more sense because, someday, Paul Scholes is going to retire and they need someone who can go forward from midfield. But I'm not sure either are really good enough, certianly not Valencia. Can anyone really see him getting a game over Ronaldo or Nani? Nope? Moving on.

LUIS FABIANO 27 (along with the usual suspects BERBATOV (27) and ETO'O (27))
Fabiano is supposedly available for 8.6m pounds which is ridiculous. That's Arsenal money. A solid player and I'd be surprised if they get him for anything less than 15m (a price which very well may push them out of the market). Berbatov and Eto'o are no surprise. But, it seems like if Berbatov were going to happen, it already would've. And Eto'o seems a much more likely target for Chelsea--I can't see him happily splitting time with Rooney or Tevez. However, he'll probably end up at Inter; Jose's always been keen on him.