Stop Being Assholes

Hey Barcelona, Shalke 04 and Werder Bremen,

Stop being assholes. We all know it's important to get off to a good start to your season. We all know you don't want your players trotting off to the Olympics (specifically your players Leo Messi, Rafinha and Diego) if you don't have to. It's one thing to stop by FIFA's offices and say, "Hey everybody! Are you sure we have to let Messi go? He's really good and stuff and we've got a Champions League qualifier that we'd like to win. I mean, it's like the difference of 20m euros if we lose." But, when FIFA say, "Yeah. I mean, we know it sucks but, c'mon, it's the Olympics. They're pretty important. And, because we feel your pain, how bout this for a compromise. You only have to release U-23 players," you should probably let it go.

You definitely shouldn't appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. And, if you do appeal and win, you definitely should take the players. You shouldn't cause everybody trouble and then just say, "Fuck it." Don't be that guy. If you're going to be an asshole and go to court to take Leo Messi, you better take Leo Messi. Don't be like Bremen and Shalke, that's all I'm saying.

Also, FIFA, you guys should stop being assholes too. You don't have the Olympics on your official calendar? They come every four years, you can set your watch by it. There's some more on 2012--see if you can sneak them on the office calendar next time.

And, in a story that has nothing to do with anything, Franck Ribery just won German Player of the Year. Like just today--it was announced today, August 6th. Didn't the season end three months ago? I mean, what the hey, am I right guys?

You're Kind of an Asshole

Hey Frank Lampard. It's me, Stowe. Big fan. Loved that goal you scored against Liverpool in the Champions League semis--what a moment for you and what a moment for Chelsea. Truly inspiring. You're a real Chelsea legend.

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you to stop being such an asshole. Nothing personal, you've just been kind of an anus over this whole contract thing. I mean, the club did offer you 130,000 pounds a week for four years. That's pretty generous. It'd make you the best paid Englishman in world football (better paid than even $tevie Me!). Let's face it--you're 30, Frank; you're not getting any younger. And it's not that we wouldn't love for you to celebrate your 35th birthday at Chelsea but, hey, let's cross that bridge (or that STAMFORD BRIDGE HAHAHA!) when we get to it. I'm pretty sure we won't want to pay you 130,000 pounds a week at that point but maybe we can work something out. Maybe you can even slide into a coaching role--Scolari has said he only wants to work five years, maybe you could slide under his wing for a year before your old pal Mourinho came back. Huh? Huh?

Oh, you're going to continue to be an ungrateful bitch? Cool man. Cool.


BONUS ASSHOLE ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From commenter Sé on the Times Online article about Lampard:

"Lampard is grossly over-rated. This is a guy who failed to score in the World Cup finals despite his much renowned shooting skills. Crouch, by contrast, scored two. What does the not so special one, the one who spend lots of Russian money, see in him anyway?"

First of all, you totally nailed Mourinho. I mean it's not like he ever won anything without Russian money, am I right fans of FC Porto?

And yes, Sé, you're totally right. Lampard is overrated. I mean, what kind of asshole can't score in a World Cup? I've scored three World Cup goals and I've never even officially played a game. Too bad Lampard can't be more like his super-awesome compatriot Steven Gerrard. He scored two goals in the World Cup finals. Take that Lampard, you un-clutch son of a bitch!

What's that little rhetorical device birdy that just whispered something in my ear? You mean to say that Lampard is better than Gerrard at scoring goals and generally doing attack minded things? I don't believe it!

Lampard:
2003-2004: 58 games, 16 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 65 games, 20 goals, 16 assists
2005-2006: 51 games, 20 goals, 10 assists
2006-2007: 67 games, 23 goals, 16 assists
2007-2008: 39 games , 17 goals , 11 assists
Totals: 280 games, 96 goals, 60 assists
Averages: 56 games, 19.2 goals, 12 assists per season

Gerrard:
2003-2004: 47 games, 7 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 56 games, 13 goals, 5 assists
2005-2006: 52 games, 22 goals, 12 assists
2006-2007: 55 games, 14 goals, 10 assists
2007-2008: 49 games, 20 goals, 17 assists
Totals: 259 games, 76 goals, 51 assists
Averages: 51.8 games, 15.2 goals, 10.2 assists per season

So, essentially, he's been worth an extra 4 goals a year (and 2 assists) over five seasons. No wonder his team has always finished above Gerrard's over the course of this period. Yep, overrated. Sé, you should probably stop being such an asshole.