The Frustrated Strikers

City Do a Barca

2009-07-13T20:35:00.005-04:00

Moments after signing Carlos Tevez for 25m, Man City make a 20m pound bid for Emanuel Adebayor.

This begs the question: are City trying to create the squad to run god's perfect formation--the oft referenced but rarely used 1-1-8? City's possible formation:

Given

Richards

Barry

Ireland Elano

Robinho Petrov

Tevez Adebayor Bellamy

Santa Cruz

Look familiar? That's because it bears a FRIGHTENING resemblance to Barcelona 07-08:

Valdes

Puyol

Toure

Iniesta Bojan

Dos Santos Ronaldinho

Messi Gudjohnsen Henry

Eto'o

City's is a slight variation--they'll be playing 4 TRUE strikers, plus Robinho while Barca supplemented 2 true strikers (one playing out of position on the left wing) with 2 creative players (one who used to be the best in the world, one who was on his way to becoming the best in the world) and Eidur Gudjohnsen.

What I'm trying to say is that Sheik Mansour is actually Frank Rijkaard.

Hull City Make Bid for Bobby Zamora

2009-07-10T22:24:00.002-04:00

Really? Why? Seriously...why?

Frustrated Strikers Prediction Corner: Michael Owen Edition

2009-07-02T20:44:00.008-04:00

Michael Owen, 2009-10 Season:

8 games (+11 substitute appearances), 5 goals, 3 assists.

Injuries:

Hamstring strain: Owen comes on in the 67th minute for Berbatov in United's season opener against Birmingham City. He comes off 6 minutes later after twisting awkwardly under a challenge from Liam Ridgewell. He battles for fitness for the next two months.

Sprained toe: On his return against Liverpool, Owen scores United's opener. However, in the 39th minute, he gets stepped on by Mascherano and doesn't return after halftime (replaced by Nani). Misses 2 weeks.

Scurvy: Following a good run in the team (2 goals and an assist in 3 starts and 4 substitute appearances), Owen celebrates by taking a trip on the 7 seas as Christmas approaches. He returns with scurvy and misses United's Boxing Day fixture. He returns to the bench at Wigan on Dec. 28th but spends most of the game eating oranges on the bench.

Deep thigh bruise: Owen receives a shock call up from Fabio Capello in mid-February but is forced to withdraw from the squad after bumping into Ashley Cole during a light running drill. He misses a month. Alex Ferguson takes the opportunity to deride international friendlies.

Temporary Zombieism: After a dismal run of form, Owen is left off the teamsheet for a critical April fixture at Old Trafford against Chelsea. However, Owen enters the field in the 7th minute looking dazed and confused. He picks up the ball at the halfway line and wallops it past Petr Cech from 45 yards. As officials attempt to escort him from the field, Owen bites Howard Webb on the neck, leading to Webb becoming a zombie. United are fined 100m pounds for failing to control their (zombie) players.

Broken Metatarsal: Owen breaks a bone in his foot in the final game of the season at Stoke City. Everyone's reaction: "Well, what did we expect?"

After the season, the Guardian breaks the story of the year: Ferguson signed Owen to replace Saha, says "I missed having a striker who was ALWAYS on the training table."

A Bad Day for Crystal Palace's Nick Karlovic

2009-03-15T19:44:00.004-04:00

We embarassed 5th in the league Palace 3-0. Nothing quite so sweet as thrashing your rival at home. An own goal from the headline-grabbing Nick Karlovic on 13 minutes which I thought had been hammered into the net by Alexandre Marques (who could certainly use the confidence). Kone was the architect, firing a quick, low ball across the penalty area that Karlovic was so kind to latch onto. McEwan then got into the action in the 30th minute scoring his first of the season on a perfectly placed near post cross from Sullivan Charlet (I think Charlet and Kone could be quite a formidable pair). Oduro completed the rout on 79 minutes with a screaming free kick from 30 yards that left the keeper frozen. Well done you Addicks.

Oh, and to top it all off, Nick Karlovic got himself sent off for a 2nd yellow card (I almost typed 3rd yellow which would mean Graham Poll was refereeing the match). It was sweet. Up the Addicks!

I'll Be Damned if Charlton Will Get Relegated on My Watch

2009-03-14T12:23:00.005-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2008-09 Charlton Athletic Starting XI:

Featuring:

Eric Traore (GK): a 22 year old Ivorian who has absolutely come alive under my stewardship
Sullivan Charlet (LB): 23 year old Frenchman. Pacey, good defender.
Brian Irish (RB): a 16 year old Irishman who is still on a youth contract (and has signed a pre-contract agreement for 90 per week) and is already worth 1m. He's been excellent down the right for us. He's mirrored on the left by Steve Perkins, a 16 year old Englishman on 55 p/w (already worth 1.4m). Perkins is currently out of the squad due to a couple sub-par performances, the emergence of Charlet and the ever harsh Stowe-tation policy.
Shane Moody (CB): 22 years old, athletic but poor in the air. Was the subject of a bidding war late in the summer transfer window (highest bid of 750k). I might have let him go were it not my first window.
Miguel Ferreira (CB): 26 years old, Portuguese, Captain. Described as a decent player for most Premier League sides and a rock at the back for us.
Yacouba Kone (LM): 18 year old Ivorian winger who is extremely explosive. On his debut this season (after a fine preseason and a trip to the Olympics), he set up a tap in for Matt Clare and scored a goal of his own. Performances have tailed off since but can be a game changer.
Allan McEwan (RM): 26 year old Scotsman playing in what is, without a doubt, our most problematic position. McEwan started the year as a starting striker, was displaced by the arrival of Clare and has since landed on the wing. The job started in the hands of our arguably our best CM Alex Foster who, unfortunately, has a bad attitude and is slower than fuck. Foster's been booted from the starting XI and this place bounces between McEwan, 17 year old Mick Austin and 20 year old John Oduro. I'd love for Austin or Oduro to stake their claim so McEwan can be our explosive super-sub.
Dragan Denisyuk (CM): 19 years old, from Belarus. Already in the senior national team setup. Mentally solid and our vice captain. Currently out for a few weeks with a hamstring tweak--Foster's been subbing in.
Zhang Hu (CM): 17 year old from China. Can play as a defensive mid or central defender. Coaches already rate him as a leading star in the Championship and believe he can be a leading Premier League DM in the future.
Matt Clare (ST): 19 year old on loan from Chelsea. Our only loan player which is a huge positive. Unfortunately, at the moment, our only attacker who looks like scoring (more on that later). Probably not the type of player we'll be able to sign permanently but taking him from a year cost us no up front fee and we're only paying half his wages (750/week). Too good to pass up.
Alexandre Marques (ST): 24 year old, Portuguese. Marques was the star of our preseason with 7 goals and 2 assists in 6 games. He's since gone cold with 0 goals in 45o minutes of competitive football and an average rating of 6.07. He's been nothing short of disappointing and I hope he can pull out of his funk soon.

Other Key Figures:
James Forrest (19 year old English CB with solid Championship potential)
Mohammed Nasir (23 year old Nigerian DM--part of our over-abundance of competent DMs)
Craig Williams (the old man of the team at 34, CM)
Joe Malone (17 year old Irish winger in the mold of Oduro and Austin)
and the aforementioned: Oduro, Austin and Foster

So that's who we are. Here's what we've been up to so far.

TRANSFER DEALINGS:

IN:
Matt Clare (see above, loan)
Fares Douillard (26 yr. old, RB from FC Sete 34, Free)
Paul Mizzi (26 yr. old, CM from Herfolge, 150K)
Abdelkrim Ben Younes (26 yr. old, CB from Cote d'Or, Free)
Chris Hutton (26 yr. old, CM from Hamilton, 110K)
Oscar Arens (16 yr. old, ST from Germinal Beershot, 180k)

OUT:
Paul Scott (28 yr. old, CM to Cardiff, 900k)

So here's how it went down. First and foremost, the Charlton board gave me no budget. 0k. Zero pounds. Any money I wanted to spend was going to have to be raised from player sales (I got back 60%) so we started scrounging around for free players. Clare was our first deal of the summer--essentially I sent one of my scouts sniffing around Stamford Bridge and he came back with Matt. Douillard was brought in on a free to fill what was thought to be our biggest gap by my Asst. Manager (RB). He's been solid but because Irish has been a rock and Charlet can play both on the left and right, we haven't seen much of him yet.

Then came Ben Younnes. We really only have once backup center back (Forrest) and he's 19. After that, it's pulling Hu back into defense from midfield and, well, no one wants that. Ben Younnes was an attempt to bring in a good, solid backup that wouldn't cause trouble and wouldn't be upset at being fourth choice. An attempt to find my very own Alex, if you will. However, what I didn't take into consideration is that he was Moroccan and would need a work permit. Which he didn't get. It was my mistake and fortunately it didn't cost any money. He's been loaned out to Germinal Beerschot and, even if he never gains a work permit, we can still sell him off for some profit.

And, finally, the Paul Scott saga. Basically, we milked a couple of offers for Scott because, while he was a strong midfielder, he didn't play very well as a winger and he was never going to displace Denisyuk in the center of midfield. I was very pleased with the 900k and got about 600k back to re-invest. I made bids on both Hutton and Mizzi as a replacement and didn't really expect to get both. I did. Mizzi is playing for the reserves while Hutton has been on the fringes of the first team. He scored on his debut.

Arens is one for the future. He's already been tearing it up for the U18s--two goals and a MOM in his first game. He looks to be a good talent.

RESULTS:

Preseason:
Essentially, the game scheduled a bunch of scrubs to which I added two decent friendlies against FSV Frankfurt and Dundee United (both at home). Scores:

@ Bournemouth 4-1 (Storyline: Marques runs riot, Charlton concede one in the 90+3)
Goals: Kone 1, Marques 5, 48, 63

@ Welling 2-1 (Storyline: We give one up from a corner, then show some character)
Goals: Marques 61, Kelly 84

@ Oxford 4-1 (Storyline: What's the deal with us giving up the first goal? We win anyway.)
Goals: Clare 49, 51, Marques 60, Oduro 90

@ Glentoran 2-1 (Storyline: Another early goal. Another Marques masterpiece)
Goals: Marques 45+1, 56

FSV Frankfurt: 1-1 (Storyline: Clare shows flashes of brilliance, smashing against bar from 28. Oduro cleans up. We give up a scrappy goal from a corner to blemish our perfect preseason)
Goals: Oduro 47

Dundee Utd.: 1-3 (Storyline: 15 minutes of shambles at the top. Then we pepper them unsuccessfully)
Goals: Own Goal 29

So, not brilliant but not bad either. For putting together a squad for the first time, I was pleased. The young players were starting to emerge, despite the fact that I was not coddling them. Marques looked like he had the chops to be the division's top scorer. Clare looked great value. Oduro and Kone had showed flashes of brilliance. It looked to be a good year.

Season:

Carling Cup:
@ Barnet 1-0 (Perkins 89)
Nott. Forest 2-0 (Clare 46, Kone 51)
Next Up: Chelsea (damn)

League:
@ Coventry 0-0 (currently 21st in the league)
@ Southampton 1-3 (11th, Goal: P. Scott 16)
Burnley 1-0 (16th, Goal: Austin 10)
Doncaster 1-1 (17th , Goal: Moody 90+1)
@ Watford 4-1 (7th, Goal: Hutton 35)

I think you can see our problem. 4 goals in 5 games won't win us many points. We currently sit 18th in the league with 5 points from 5 games. It's not terrible and we've obviously yet to hit our stride. I'm upbeat about our possibilities--we're young and we're only going to get better as the year goes on. A couple of guys have picked up short term injuries--including Denisyuk--which may make the coming weeks tough. Up next: a derby against Crystal Palace.

Up the Addicks!

Lessons from a Half Season with the Villa

2009-03-05T19:14:00.007-05:00

So, while waiting for my full version to arrive from Amazon, I've been spending a season in Birmingham at Aston Villa. Or, rather, a half-season as that is all the demo will allow. Some highlights and low-lights so far:

Highlights:

1. Signing Jozy Altidore on loan for no fee and half of his salary a week (something like 2k/week)
2. Winning our two UEFA Cup qualifiers 4-0 and 5-0 on aggregate
3. Carrying a 1-0 back to home from Stetua in the first knockout round of the selfsame second-rate European Cup

Lowlights:
1. Losing 5-2 to Newcastle
2. Having to play Zat Knight--a lot. And realizing I kind of like him as a player.
3. Being bottom of the table after 5 games, having only gleaned 1 point (a draw at home to Hull)

Needless to say, it's been up and down. Mostly down. I've learned some things, not a lot of things and I'm definitely far away from being the best manager in the world. But Jose Mourinho wasn't born a genius. And Alex Ferguson wasn't built in a day. Or something like that. Lessons:

--I will be playing my full career with fake players. When I signed Altidore, I kind of sealed my fate on this one. I have a soft spot in my heart for Jozy and, as a business deal, it made a fair amount of sense. But it always felt kind of dirty. Like I probably could've found a better player out there if I had just tried a little harder. Like I was giving him a shot only because I knew who he was. It just felt lazy and, while fake players will be harder, at least it will feel more real.

--Gareth Barry is a twat. No doubt about it. He undermined me from the day I arrived (despite the fact that I gave him the captain's armband), put in dour performance after dour performance and, worst of all, I couldn't leave him out because he was far and away my best player. The Nige was sadly disappointing as well.

--It is incredibly easy to give up goals right after you score. We had a glimmer of hope when we won a penalty against Chelsea to bring it to 2-1 but gave back a goal to Michael Essien six minutes later (we did end up scoring another which could've lead to us splitting the points). Against Newcastle, we fought back from two down through Marlon Harewood (goals: 45+1', 63') and then got hit by an avalanche started by a Geremi goal (65'). We lost that one 5-2. How do you guard against this? I'm starting to believe that I might be better laying off tight marking and/or man marking and going to a zonal system. We all know how well that worked out for Big Phil Scolari, right?

--It's easy to give up goals late. After leveling the score against Rovers late on (73'), we gave back a goal to Matt Derbyshire (88'). And after struggling all game against Hull we grabbed what looked like a sure winner through Stillian Petrov in the 89th only to concede to Caleb Folan in the 91st. Heartbreaking. Partially this has to do with changes in tactics and not getting greedy (as we certainly the case in the Blackburn game).

--Injuries are a killer. I suppose that's intuitive. But I'd never really had to cross that bridge in a video game. I mean, in Fifa, I could compensate for the loss of a star with my wealth of skill. Perhaps I will develop strategies to combat losing players to injury. But, as of now, lengthy injuries to John Carew and Marlon Harewood (the former for five months) as well as niggling injuries for James Milner, Gabby Agbonglahor, Ashley Young and Craig Gardner crippled us. When I started Jozy Altidore and John Fleck (a sixteen year old prospect I signed from Rangers who could be good but not yet) in a league cup game against West Ham, I knew we were in trouble.

--International duty sucks too. I had to deal with losing Gabby and Ash while Altidore was away at the Olympics. Pavel Pardo made his merry way to Mexico for a while as well.

--Scheduling friendlies seems like it could be very key. Being new to the game, there's a lot tactic-wise to figure out. And it's hard to trot out a brand new tactic in a game that actually means something. But it's hard to continue losing games because you're too scared to change (and you're hoping that soon something magical will click). Whoever I choose next time around, I hope to have a system in place by the top of the season that I can be reasonably happy with. This may mean scheduling like 8 friendlies which I'm kind of okay with.

--I'm starting to believe I should read this: Tactical Theorems and Frameworks. Brian at the Run of Play recommended it and I'm not sure when to do what, why and when. Right now, sitting at the bottom of the table with one point from five games, this thing has got me beat. Beat to the point that I'm completely obsessed with it and the idea of reading fifty pages about it seems not only reasonable but enjoyable. More on that (if it happens) soon.

I'm off to try and battle my way off the foot of the table. Up the Villa!

Let the Great Experiment Begin

2009-03-03T11:33:00.004-05:00

The rejuvenation of this blog is thanks to Brian Phillips at The Run of Play. Thanks to his excellent series on being the greatest football manager in the history of the world (his words not mine, which can be seen here), we at The Frustrated Strikers have been inspired to forgo the world of real football for a more excellent virtual world. We too are ready to test ourselves to see if we might become the world's greatest football manager. It won't be easy and it won't always be fun but, if I know anything, I know that we will succeed. League titles, domestic cups, European glory--here we come. Watch out world; you've been warned.

**It should be noted that despite the fact that we live in North America, we will not be referring to the game as "Worldwide Soccer Manager." Because, fuck that.**

I Like His Moxie

2008-09-02T22:02:00.003-04:00

I don't care that City signed Robinho (okay, a little bit I do. I mean, come on Kenyon. That transfer could've been wrapped up for the start of the season if you'd bucked up (Bruce Buck-ed up?) and paid 30m...but whatever). I don't even care that they took my dear Shauny back. His future was never at Chelsea. And now this:

Manchester City plan audatious 135m bid for Cristiano Ronaldo

That's awesome. Their new owner went on to say, "Real Madrid were estimating his value at $160m (£90m) but for a player like that, to actually get him, will cost a lot more; I would think $240m (£135m). But why not? We are going to be the biggest club in the world, bigger than both Real Madrid and Manchester United. Ronaldo has said he wants to play for the biggest club in the world, so we will see in January if he is serious."

This guy is my new best friend. I've always said that my favorite thing in football is crazy bullshit. Not step-overs, not trophys, not goals...bullshit. But this isn't crazy. This is absolutely batshit insane and AWESOME and wow. Just wow.

More Fine Editing from The Guardian

2008-08-26T11:07:00.003-04:00

This is actually a really good article from Sachin Nakrani which makes this small blunder stick out all the more:

"The 32-year-old has plundered 41 in 61 starts for Madrid and is showing no signs of slowing down - he scored again in their 4-2 Super Cup victory over Valencia in the Super Cup on Sunday."

Nakrani went on to say that "Real Madrid's Ruud van Nistelrooy has played outstandingly for Real Madrid in all of Real Madrid's games during this Real Madrid 2008-2009 season. Real Madrid."

Non-Sequitur/Comment of the Week

2008-08-25T10:07:00.003-04:00

From Paul Doyle's article on the end of the transfer window madness, a comment on Manchester City. A comment which was completely unwarranted because City aren't even mentioned in the article and are so far from the article's focus (which is, in fact, the spree that Berbs moving from Spurs to United will cause) that this comment is not only awesome but truly excellent. From commenter bettyforddropout:

"Manchester City are the best football team I have ever seen."

It's great because it's true.

Just a Quick One

2008-08-20T00:25:00.002-04:00

Roy Keane must be an idiot. Exhibit A:

Healy Heading Keane Wishlist

Wow.

Stop Being Assholes

2008-08-06T22:18:00.004-04:00

Hey Barcelona, Shalke 04 and Werder Bremen,

Stop being assholes. We all know it's important to get off to a good start to your season. We all know you don't want your players trotting off to the Olympics (specifically your players Leo Messi, Rafinha and Diego) if you don't have to. It's one thing to stop by FIFA's offices and say, "Hey everybody! Are you sure we have to let Messi go? He's really good and stuff and we've got a Champions League qualifier that we'd like to win. I mean, it's like the difference of 20m euros if we lose." But, when FIFA say, "Yeah. I mean, we know it sucks but, c'mon, it's the Olympics. They're pretty important. And, because we feel your pain, how bout this for a compromise. You only have to release U-23 players," you should probably let it go.

You definitely shouldn't appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. And, if you do appeal and win, you definitely should take the players. You shouldn't cause everybody trouble and then just say, "Fuck it." Don't be that guy. If you're going to be an asshole and go to court to take Leo Messi, you better take Leo Messi. Don't be like Bremen and Shalke, that's all I'm saying.

Also, FIFA, you guys should stop being assholes too. You don't have the Olympics on your official calendar? They come every four years, you can set your watch by it. There's some more on 2012--see if you can sneak them on the office calendar next time.

And, in a story that has nothing to do with anything, Franck Ribery just won German Player of the Year. Like just today--it was announced today, August 6th. Didn't the season end three months ago? I mean, what the hey, am I right guys?

In Your Face: Dan Creamer Edition

2008-08-03T09:17:00.002-04:00

Hey Dan. Remember that time that you called me delusional because I thought Drogba was going to stay?

Drogba Set to Sign Chelsea Deal

Lalalala Didier Drogba Lalalalala!!!!!!!!!!

Why I Hate Max Bretos (and MLS)

2008-08-02T21:58:00.005-04:00

Our good friend Max just dropped this knowledge on us re: Dynamo keeper Pat Onstad:

"He hasn't been in Major League Soccer as long as you think. He did get his 500th save back on May 17th, only the 9th goalkeeper to do that. He's well on his way to 600 with a couple big ones in the last few minutes here."

First of all, I don't have any sense of how long Pat Onstad has been in MLS. My guess would be that he's been in the league for at least 65 minutes as this game is now approaching the 66th minute mark.

Second of all, that's not a stat. That's not even close to a stat. Max Bretos, you should be ashamed of yourself because you know that's not a thing. I used to think you were stupid and kind of a shit-eating grin-wearing asshole but you're not. I've heard you talk about Argentine soccer--you clearly know something about the sport. And yet, here you are, touting this stat as if it's something that every good soccer fan should know. Who can name the other 8 keepers with 500+ MLS saves? If you can't answer that, then fuck you. All I'm saying is, Max Bretos, you're the reason people hate soccer.

And then, after Onstad made a beautiful kick save on a shot from 8 yards out, Bretos informed us that he was "about to stand on his head." He's an MLS keeper that's actually making professional level saves (I was wowed)--he's been standing on his head for a LONG time.

Deja Vu

2008-08-02T10:37:00.003-04:00

Hang on:

Chelsea lose on penalties because an underachieving striker missed the decisive penalty in sudden death? And a long-serving defender could've sealed the win with the fifth and final penalty? In Moscow?

I feel like I've heard this joke before and I didn't like it. Mr. Shevchenko, kindly buzz off.

Why Do You Need Andrei Arshavin?

2008-07-30T21:55:00.003-04:00

Mr. Ramos,

Hi, my name is Stowe and I think you have a problem. You've been doing a lot of signing and selling this summer and, well, some of us are worried about you. You've already signed Luka Modric, John Bostock, a keeper from Brazil who's not Dida, Geovanni dos Santos, David Bentley and some dude named Paul-Jose Mpoku. You've spent almost twice as much (46m) as Chelsea (24m).

You've got 11 midfielders. You've also got Dietmar Berbatov and Darren Bent. Here's a question--why do you need attacking midfielder Andrei Arshavin? Are you going to play him in place of a second striker? That could work but you'd probaby have to leave Luka Modric out. Maybe you could slide Arshavin out onto the wing? Nope, got Bentley and Lennon (who are both right-sided players, nice choice). Maybe slide him in the center? Jenas'll be mad.

Good luck, Mr. Ramos.

No You Don't

2008-07-25T14:28:00.004-04:00

Fabio Capello declared today that he has the hardest job in Europe. Why?

"I'm worse off than Lippi, than everyone. I have Welsh players, Scottish, Irish. In the Premier League only 35% of the players are English. In Italy it's about 72% [Italians]."

First of all, I don't know what the Welsh, Scottish and/or Irish have to do with it. Did no one explain to him that he can only pick dudes from England? Perhaps someone should explain to him that Gareth Bale is, sadly, not available to be called up. (Sidenote: when are we going to make "Bale for England" t-shirts?)

Second of all, no you don't. Mr. Capello, no you don't. I can think of like 50 jobs harder than yours. I think the guy who manages Belarus has a pretty tough job. What about Estonia? Or Cyprus? That shit would suck.

The problem is not that we should keep England English. That's stupid. The real problem is that they don't have a proven striker who can lead the team (I'm looking at you Rooney) and their goalkeepers are, collectively, crazier than a box of rocks. England, however, have a wealth of wide players, a solid defense and a number of impressive holding and attacking midfield players. Just because they didn't qualify for Euro 2008 doesn't mean that Capelllo's job is suddenly incredibly difficult.

I'm actually going to take it a step further though. What if the problem isn't that the Premier League is too heavily foreign--what if the problem is that not enough English players go abroad? England haven't called up any foreign based player of note since Owen Hargreaves moved back to England from Bayern Munich (and, yes, I know they've called up Beckham but, stop being a smartass, we all know playing in America does't count). Look at how many players in top European teams play abroad (based on players who played in their final game of Euro 2008):

Spain: 3 of 14
Italy: 3 of 14
Germany: 3 of 14
Netherlands: 10 of 14
Croatia: 11 of 13
Czech Republic: 13 of 14
Portugal: 10 of 14
France: 7 of 14

So, yeah. While it makes sense that countries whose domestic leagues are traditionally weaker (i.e. not Italy, Spain or England) would pull more foreign based players, even the Spanish and Italians have found some value in pulling in players who play abroad. So perhaps Capello should encourage some of his players to move abroad (Frank Lampard to Inter, anyone?) instead of bitching about all the dern foreigners in the league. It's likely that having to adapt to new styles of play would allow English players to adapt more readily to the challenges of qualifying for an international tournament. Maybe then they could beat Macedonia. At home.

Who?

2008-07-24T16:22:00.011-04:00

The Guardian headline read:

"NGOG COMPLETES MOVE TO ANFIELD"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who?"

The Guardian's article read:

"The Anfield club described the forward as "one of the brightest young talents in French football" and "lightening quick"..."

A chorus of football fans read on:

"...although Ngog, the cousin of the former Newcastle defender Jean-Alain Boumsong, managed just one goal in 18 matches for PSG last season." (Sidenote: I'm not sure which is worse, only managing one goal in 18 matches or being related to Jean-Alain Boumsong)

Liverpool responded:

"But we also signed Philipp Degen, Andrea Dossena, Diego Cavalieri, Vincent Weijl and Emmanuel Mendy!!!!!!"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who? We think you're just making people up."

Liverpool responded:

"No, they're for real. We promise. Rafa says they're going to be gr8!"

Liverpool fans sighed to themselves:

"Rafa, we hate you."

(This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Max Bretos Foundation for the Idiotic)

Chelsea's 25, 24, 23-Man Squad

2008-07-22T21:08:00.003-04:00

Big Phillip says he wants to cut Chelsea's squad from the current 35 down to "23, 24 players, maximum 25." Sir Alex says we're to old to challege for the title but, frankly, fuck him. So who would be my 23-25 players, you ask? Well, I'll tell you!

GK:
Petr Cech (just signed a new 5 year contract)
Carlo Cudicini
Hilario

DEF:
Ricardo Carvalho
John Terry
Ashley Cole
Jose Bosingwa
Alex
Wayne Bridge (just signed a new 4 year deal)
Paulo Ferreria
Branislav Ivanovic

MID:
Michael Essien (just signed a new 5 year deal)
Michael Ballack
Frank Lampard
Deco
Joe Cole
John Obi Mikel
Shaun Wright-Phillips

FWD:
Didier Drogba
Salomon Kalou
Franco Di Santo
Andriy Shevchenko

IN:
Robinho

Already OUT:
Steve Sidwell
Claude Makelele
Khalid Boulahrouz

OUT:
Juliano Beletti
Tal Ben Haim
Florent Malouda
Claudio Pizarro
Nicolas Anelka

That's 23 established(ish) players remaining and, after sending the three of them off on loan through December, I'd add Sinclair, Sahar and Mancienne to the mix. But 23 is more than enough.

And yep, that's right. I'm keeping Shaun Wright-Phillips. But you guys already knew that.

I'm Watching MLS

2008-07-21T20:32:00.004-04:00

Yep, it's gotten that bad. Almost a month after Euro 2008 and I'm bored enough to watch MLS. On FSC. That's doubly bad.

Wanted to share this bit of lunacy from the guy who's not Christian Miles. 25th minute, Beckham setting up for a free kick in a central position 20 yards out. Non-Miles shares this little gem:

"If the wall jumps, he could also drive this ball, put it under the wall. It's very difficult for a keeper to react to a low shot."

Yeah, because that's a common, easily-executed move. I've seen it done only once, by the magical Ronaldinho back when he was at his most magical. So yeah, Beckham can definitely pull it off. I mean it's a once in a lifetime goal for a player (even a player of his caliber) but I'm sure he just saved it for this magical July night at Giants Stadium.

Beckham, unsurprisingly, smacked it into the wall.

It was followed shortly by some shambolic defending by the Red Bulls and Ruiz got on the end of a Buddle cross that most high school defenders could've cleared. MLS!

America Kindly Requests that you Suck It

2008-07-15T00:38:00.004-04:00

The Times composed a list of 50 football moments that you wish you'd been there for. The Miracle on Grass made the list:

"25. The United States beat England, 1950

One of the greatest upsets in World Cup history, as England somehow lost to a team of part-timers (many not born in America) in Belo Horizonte, the only goal coming in the 57th minute."

Okay, Times Online. I don't want to argue. I know this was probably your least favorite moment to write about, being Brits and all. You know, we Americans don't have much when it comes to this "football" thing. We've got a semi-final appearance in the first ever World Cup and a win over Engerland in 1950.

So you could at least take some time to do some research. For example, if you went over to Wikipedia, you could learn in three seconds that Joe Gaejtens scored the only goal in the 38th minute (so you weren't even close). You could also find out that "many not born in America" is a crock of bullshit--8 of 11 were American born. So shut the fuck up.

AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd Make that Deal (Edition 2)

2008-07-12T23:40:00.009-04:00

This is absurd:

"Frank Lampard's future remains uncertain after sources in Italy claimed Internazionale are preparing to offer Chelsea a part-exchange deal of £15m plus the Brazil striker Adriano."

Maybe I wouldn't make this deal. But, at the very least, I'd have to strongly consider it. Inter, you just bid 8m for Frank Lampard who has one year left on his existing contract. 8m is good value for a player who's going to peace out with no compensation when the season is over. Now you're offering twice that value plus Adriano? Adriano is worth no less than 10m (he's a Brazillian, he's a striker, he's 26...if 27 year old Peter Crouch can fetch 11m, surely Adriano's worth at least 10) so, essentially you're offering 25m for a dude who's 30 and, although I've defended him all these years, who has a negligible amount of value. I know I just posted 2 days ago about how much more valuable Lamps is that Gerrard but, come on--when both Lampard and Ballack were hurt, Shaun Wright-Phillips ably performed Lampard's role. He was able to muster some impressive performances and it was a damned shame when he was pushed out of the side. Dealing Lampard makes room for Mikel in the side and creates a space for SWP to slide onto the bench. I can get excited about a lineup that looks like this:

Cech

Bosingwa Terry Carvallho A. Cole

Mikel

Essien Ballack

Deco J. Cole

Drogba

With a bench of: Hilario, Alex, Wright-Phillips, Kalou, Adriano

That's right, I'm advocating for a 4-1-2-2-1. Or, if push comes to shove, a 4-1-4-1. Down 1-0 at half, tell me you wouldn't be excited to be able to mix in Kalou, SWP and Adriano to push for a winner. Or Anelka. I'm Big Phil and I'm already excited about that idea.

All I'm saying is 25m is damn hard to turn down for a 30 year old. That's all I'm saying.

Grammar Lessons for No One in Particular

2008-07-09T23:20:00.005-04:00

What's that you say? This isn't a grammar blog with a soccer theme? You wouldn't know it from the content of this post:

"While he has no complaints with the new manager at Stamford Bridge, Luiz Felipe Scolari, relations with Kenyon appear to have broken down, leaving the midfielder with three options: sign a pre-contract agreement with Inter to join under the Bosman ruling next summer, or relax his stance and sign the four-year deal on offer at Stamford Bridge. The third path - to leave under the Webster ruling - would be the most complicated, and most inflammatory in terms of his relationship with the club's supporters."

Dear Guardian writers, why not just write "...sign a pre-contract with Inter, relax his stance and sign the four-year deal at Stamford Bridge, or leave under the Webster Ruling. Without a doubt, the third path would be the most complicated...". If you're going to precede your list with a clause which includes three options, you should provide each one of the options within the parameters of that sentence. Otherwise, I say to myself, "Shit, the Guardian totally left out one of Lampard's options" until I read the next sentence and realize you're all idiots.

File this one under pedantry.

You're Kind of an Asshole

2008-07-08T21:34:00.006-04:00

Hey Frank Lampard. It's me, Stowe. Big fan. Loved that goal you scored against Liverpool in the Champions League semis--what a moment for you and what a moment for Chelsea. Truly inspiring. You're a real Chelsea legend.

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you to stop being such an asshole. Nothing personal, you've just been kind of an anus over this whole contract thing. I mean, the club did offer you 130,000 pounds a week for four years. That's pretty generous. It'd make you the best paid Englishman in world football (better paid than even $tevie Me!). Let's face it--you're 30, Frank; you're not getting any younger. And it's not that we wouldn't love for you to celebrate your 35th birthday at Chelsea but, hey, let's cross that bridge (or that STAMFORD BRIDGE HAHAHA!) when we get to it. I'm pretty sure we won't want to pay you 130,000 pounds a week at that point but maybe we can work something out. Maybe you can even slide into a coaching role--Scolari has said he only wants to work five years, maybe you could slide under his wing for a year before your old pal Mourinho came back. Huh? Huh?

Oh, you're going to continue to be an ungrateful bitch? Cool man. Cool.

BONUS ASSHOLE ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From commenter Sé on the Times Online article about Lampard:

"Lampard is grossly over-rated. This is a guy who failed to score in the World Cup finals despite his much renowned shooting skills. Crouch, by contrast, scored two. What does the not so special one, the one who spend lots of Russian money, see in him anyway?"

First of all, you totally nailed Mourinho. I mean it's not like he ever won anything without Russian money, am I right fans of FC Porto?

And yes, Sé, you're totally right. Lampard is overrated. I mean, what kind of asshole can't score in a World Cup? I've scored three World Cup goals and I've never even officially played a game. Too bad Lampard can't be more like his super-awesome compatriot Steven Gerrard. He scored two goals in the World Cup finals. Take that Lampard, you un-clutch son of a bitch!

What's that little rhetorical device birdy that just whispered something in my ear? You mean to say that Lampard is better than Gerrard at scoring goals and generally doing attack minded things? I don't believe it!

Lampard:
2003-2004: 58 games, 16 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 65 games, 20 goals, 16 assists
2005-2006: 51 games, 20 goals, 10 assists
2006-2007: 67 games, 23 goals, 16 assists
2007-2008: 39 games , 17 goals , 11 assists
Totals: 280 games, 96 goals, 60 assists
Averages: 56 games, 19.2 goals, 12 assists per season

Gerrard:
2003-2004: 47 games, 7 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 56 games, 13 goals, 5 assists
2005-2006: 52 games, 22 goals, 12 assists
2006-2007: 55 games, 14 goals, 10 assists
2007-2008: 49 games, 20 goals, 17 assists
Totals: 259 games, 76 goals, 51 assists
Averages: 51.8 games, 15.2 goals, 10.2 assists per season

So, essentially, he's been worth an extra 4 goals a year (and 2 assists) over five seasons. No wonder his team has always finished above Gerrard's over the course of this period. Yep, overrated. Sé, you should probably stop being such an asshole.

I'd Make That Deal (Edition 1 of Many)

2008-07-07T22:03:00.006-04:00

Famously, Dan and I once decided that we would NOT have sold Benjani to City for 7.6m, thereby making us more qualified to run Portsmouth than their chief executive (we would've sold David Nugent and maybe Pedro Mendes to raise funds for Defoe--thereby creating a pretty impressive mid-table strike force of Benjani and Defoe supported by Utaka and Kranjcar). Ever since then, we've been asking ourselves, "Would we make that deal?" Welcome to the Frustrated Strikers first edition of I'd Make that Deal.

Spurs have decided that they absolutely gotta have Blackburn's bald-headed winger David Bentley. Their offers:

Offer 1: Bentley for Aaron Lennon + 7m
Offer 2: Bentley for Darren Bent and Paul Robinson
Offer 3: We've also got Anthony Gardner and you can have him if that makes any difference!!!!

Me, I'd take Offer 1 or Offer 2 or, hopefully, a combination of 1 and 2 that gives me Lennon and Bent and leaves Robbo as far away from my team as possible (I mean you just don't want that shit anywhere near your training ground). Lennon is younger and faster than Bentley and Bent is pretty unabashedly awesome and thrives when clubs rely on him (which Blackburn would no doubt have to do after they let Santa Cruz go). I think I speak for Paul Ince when I say, "Make it happen."

A Lot of this is Wrong

2008-07-07T21:26:00.005-04:00

Folks, we're nearly to the midway point of the transfer window. Very few deals worth noting have actually been signed which means it's time to speculate wildly. Apparently, the Times writers are tired of spending their time surfing the interwebs and sporadically playing games of UEFA Euro 2008 and have composed a "Story so Far/What Happens Next" transfer summary for each Premier League team. Lucky for us, they're wrong on a whole lot of stuff and I too am bored enough of Euro 2008 to spend time pointing out their mistakes re: Chelsea. Here we go:

"The story so far Luiz Felipe Scolari has replaced Avram Grant, Peter Kenyon, the chief executive, has signed a right back who can defend, Roman Abramovich has seen what he has been missing at Euro 2008 and Deco has signed for £90,000 a week."

Paulo Ferreria, Asier del Horno, Khalid Boulahrouz and Juliano Belletti are all crying in corners somewhere because of that right back jab. That's some mean shit, Times writers.

The assertion that Deco is "what Roman Abromavich has been missing" baffles me. Unless "Deco" is secret code language for fiscal responsibility and leaving a coach like Jose Mourinho the fuck alone after two Premier League titles, I'm not sure he really fits the bill. I know this is probably just a shitty example of metonymy but I'm not really sure he's what Chelsea needs either. Another aging midfielder? Sign him up! (Incidentally, I'm excited he's coming but are we any better with him than we are with Malouda or Lampard or Kalou? No.)

"What happens next? Didier Drogba is replaced by Samuel Eto’o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona, Branislav Ivanovic joins Juventus, Steve Sidwell signs for Aston Villa or Newcastle United and Claude Makelele moves to Paris Saint-Germain."

I don't know who Samuel Eto'o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona is but I think he's going to be a hell of a replacement for Didier. Great editing Times Online Staff!

Happily, it's not just forgotten commas that we get to nitpick. The Drogba/Eto'o deal makes only minimal sense--it's certainly not a like for like and while Mourinho was an enourmous admirer of the Cameroonian, he didn't come to Chelsea precisely because Abromavich (and Kenyon presumably) didn't think he was worth all the cash they'd have to shell out. And while I can usually get jazzed about 27 year olds coming off injury riddled seasons who have never played in England, I just don't see this one working out. Berbatov is not cut-price like Eto'o but would be worth the money; Santa Cruz is a viable option. Or best-available-striker David Villa if we'd like to not repeat the Franck Ribery/Fernando Torres debacle from last year.

Why anyone, much less Barcelona, would be interested in Andriy Shevchenko is beyond me.

The Branislav Ivanovic to Juventus rumor is the strangest thing in this whole article. Why? How? Who the fuck did you hear that from? The boy has yet to make his debut for Chelsea--what would compel us to sell? And will his great form for the Chelsea reserves compel the Old Lady of Turin to buy?

I don't see Makelele moving--he's been offered a coaching role at Chelsea and could probably feature in enough games (15-20, depending on how Big Phil takes to him) to keep him happy. If he wants to go to France, so be it and it's such a meaningless deal at this point (dude's 35) why even mention it?

And it was reported like a month ago that Chelsea and Villa had already agreed a fee for Sidwell, opening the door for Barry's exit. So there's one. Congrats TOL!

Guardian Editors Succumb to Fox News-like Standards

2008-07-07T13:31:00.001-04:00

and, in doing so, they give us the following headline:

Newcastle deny Bin Laden Link

Hilarious. Foreign regimes have to deny links to Bin Laden. Shady dictators have to deny links to Bin Laden. Now we can add Newcastle United to those ranks? Excellent.

In essence, a group of people related to (but not) Osama bin Laden are considering a 300m pound bid for Newcastle. The article is very tasteful and notes that the company, run by Osama's half brother Bakr, has long since cut ties to the al-Qaida leader but, with a headline like that, why would you even bother to read on. As far as I'm concerned, they're no longer the Magpies--let's call them the Fatwas. After all, it's better to be terrorists than perennial underachievers.

Gunnar Solskjær, still gonna be a demon on the pitch.

2008-06-15T12:49:00.002-04:00

Honestly, it's very big news and nobody cares:

Comment of the Week

2008-06-13T12:00:00.003-04:00

From Harry Pearson's very odd article about the child "mascots" who accompany players out onto the field (which is totally cool--what would you give to be one of those kids?) comes our innaugural Comment of the Week from Guardian commenter pierrelemer:

"Imagine the stigma and the deep rooted trauma that will curse these individuals throughout their lives? Years later, in a group therapy meeting, a mere shadow of a waifish figure stands up in the gentley lit confines of the support group circle and, in a broken sob admits: " I got Senderos"."

Congrats pierre. Keep up the good work.

I Refuse to Let This Stand

2008-06-12T19:40:00.008-04:00

How can the New York freaking Times vouch for this:

"Even so UEFA, the governing body of European soccer, has gone statistic mad at Euro 2008. Part of it is that UEFA makes more money from Euro 2008 than it really knows what to do with and part of it is advances in technology and computing software which allow these statistics to be gathered and organized and, lets be honest, give it some neat toys to play with. Large swathes of the competition’s official Web site, have simply been handed over to the nerds."

First of all, you're talking about UEFA's website, Mr. Peter Berlin. Frankly, who gives a shit. There are much more important things to talk about during this championship--the resurgence of the Croatians despite a rough opening game and the loss of their top striker Eduardo, the overwhelming attacking play of the Netherlands and Spain, the futures of two key members of the Portugese team, Big Phil Scolari and Mr. Ronaldo--than the technology deployed by UEFA, not at the games, not on television but on a website that you can visit voluntarily. And one which really contains no information of actual importance; certianly there are hundreds of websites like the Guardian which are much closer to required reading than UEFA.com is.

But, technology and having more money than you know what to do with. That's what you're complaining about. Cool. I've got a perfect example for you. ESPN has that new stupid ESPN View or ESPN Angle or whatever the fuck they call it where they can go 360 degrees. That is like porn to them. It's not really that useful, it's technology that they pioneered like 4 years ago in golf (and I think I've seen it on MNF too). But, cut to Tommy Smyth and Derrick Rae doing a 360 degree view of two men going up for a header with Tommy saying, "Close your eyes cause here it comes!"--talk about a technology fetish.

But you're going to talk about stats on a peripheral website? Alright man, go with God.

Your many salient points include:

1. "Some flashy graphic invention is dedicated to telling us that Eric Abidal, the French left back, passes the ball often to the player just ahead of him, the left midfielder, Florent Malouda. Surprise!"
2. "Cristiano Ronaldo, who takes Portugal’s free kicks, likes to shoot a lot. Big surprise!"
3. "The player page allows you to search for individuals not only by name, position or country, but also by height and age. Why would you do that?"
4. "Sweden’s average age is 29.15 (or 29 and two months) and Russia’s 26.15. The average ages of the 16 squads are separated by just 3 years. And, if conventional wisdom is right and a player’s prime is between 26 and 30, then all the squads fall broadly in that range."
5. "TV producers have caught the stats bug. They are particularly enamored of the technology that allows UEFA to measure how far any player has run in a game."

Alright, so those are five things that make you angry enough to write an indignant anti-stats article for the Times Goal Blog. And your editor was like, "Right on man! Stick it to them. Couldn't agree with those five absolutely right-the-fuck-on points more. Publish that shit!" Let's see where you might be wrong.

1. That is actually really cool and if you don't see that, you are stupid/don't like soccer. It is absolutely awesome that we're finally going to get some quantifiable information on player tendencies. Sure, it's stupid in the case of Abidal and Malouda but how cool would it be to see to whom Cesc Fabregas makes his passes in an Arsenal match? I'd love to understand how he builds an attack, know how many passes forward and backward, left and right he makes. How much better could I understand my favorite team if I had that information? (It turns out that the passing stats setup is not very user friendly and is not super useful and perhaps this is what Berlin is talking about. If so, cool. But I don't think that's what he's doing--I think he's saying "WHY WOULD I WANT THAT INFO" which is super-dumb.)
2. Of course Ronaldo shoots a lot. You're doing that stupid cherry picking thing like you did with Abidal and Malouda. Hey--here's a thought. I'm pretty sure it doesn't just tell you that he shoots a lot; in fact, it probably tells you how often he shoots on target, how often he scores, how often he passes up shots and passes for assists. In fact, after looking at the website, I now know that Ronaldo leads the tournament with 7 shots on target and in total shots with 13. From that, I can discern that he was probably trying a little bit too hard but he did have a goal and an assist last game so he's likely settling in. THANKS UEFA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. Those are hardly even stats. And I might like to know if I was having an argument with a friend over who is taller: Martin Harnik of Austria or Eren Derdiyok of Switzerland (I'll let you guys check out the website and figure it out for yourselves). Or if I wanted to make an informed argument about who's going to have an advantage in the air in a given game. You know, whatevs.
4. That's kind of dumb--it's probably more important to have good players than young ones. But I do think that younger sides like the Netherlands and France have an advantage over a team of grandfathers like Italy.
5. He argues ostensibly that what you do matters more than how you do it--i.e. smarter players make big plays without running much. But how that's an argument against TV producers (mind you, we're talking about a website so what TV producers are doing in the article, I don't know) catching the stat bug, I don't know.

If he was arguing that teams shouldn't be picked (exclusively) by these (sometimes) arbitrary stats, maybe he'd be on to something. Or if we was arguing about some mainstream media outlet, maybe I could get on board. But, he's criticizing a random smattering of stats (and some non-stats) on a third rate website.

I guess my conclusion is: what is the point of this article?

The Greatest Live Online Commentary Ever

2008-06-10T22:20:00.005-04:00

I'm not sure who the author is, possibly Chris Murphy, but the live commentary provided by ESPN today during the Sweden and Greece match is quite possibly the best commentary of all time. This is a must read with gems including...

39th- "This is ridiculous. Sweden are sitting in formation and the three Greek defenders knock it between themselves in their own half to a crescendo of boos from the Swedish fans. Amazing. Even for Greece."

40th- "How on earth did this side win the thing in 2004? Astonishing. They should be thrown out of the tournament on the strength of that passage of play alone."

73rd- "Justice, my friends, has been done. The only team on display interested in playing the beautiful game leads by two goals to nil. In your face Greece."

87th- "Thank goodness Ibrahimovic punctured the despondency with a piece of genius,. If he hadn't I can confidently predict we'd be sitting at 0-0 now and rapidly contemplating self harm."

92nd- "That is that, and thank goodness Sweden ensured football was the winner tonight. Having a tactical game plan is one thing, sitting in your own half time wasting after only half an hour is criminal. Greece should be ashamed of themselves. There's no place for such explicit negativity in this celebration of football. Well done Sweden, good riddance Greece."

6+You're an Idiot

2008-06-10T19:51:00.007-04:00

EDIT: After Googling "6+5 Rule," it made me realize that confirmed idiot Sepp Blatter, not confirmed idiot Michel Platini is the champion of this rule (though Platini wholeheartedly supports it). My mistake. I'm not going to go through and change the finer points of the argument because it still holds true. It works for everyone, not just European clubs. The rule still holds for American Jozy Altidore (or any other world player): American soccer is stronger if Villareal develop Jozy while, probably, Spanish soccer is a little weaker. Just substitute FIFA for UEFA and enjoy.

A lot of smarter people than me have presented more well thought-out arguments against (and, occasionally, for) Michel Platini's controversial "6+5 Rule" which will require all clubs to start with at least 6 players of domestic origin (I do not know how the rule applies to naturalized citizens and I'm too lazy to look it up--I assume that if Eduardo were to go play in the Croatian league, he would be considered as part of the 6 despite being born in Brazil but I'm not sure) supplemented by no more than 5 foreign players. There are merits to the system. I will not say, out and out, that it's totally retarded which is what I'm rather inclined to do. It could be a huge windfall for England--the FA would gain a significant advantage over clubs (by forcing them to develop talent for the national team) without having to make any decisions of their own or catch any backlash.

But that is precisely why Platini's proposal makes no sense. Why should UEFA care? If a league doesn't want to foster quality domestic players, isn't that their prerogative? Shouldn't this be a directive that comes down from an individual association (i.e. the FA says that we are putting a mandate out that we want to emphasize the development of domestic players so anyone who plays 6 English from the start gets free cookies!) rather than a Europe-wide declaration? I hardly see how it is in the direct interest of UEFA to promote this because such a plan will benefit some European nations while hindering others. In theory, such a plan would help large nations like England whose top youngsters are being pushed out of clubs by foreign players. But, I think the elimination of the current system would actually hinder smaller nations. Under current guidelines, the top players from less fashionable European nations move to other leagues where they are thrown in with other international talent. Take, for example, Nicklas Bendtner, the Danish forward for Arsenal who signed for the club in 2004. He gets the chance to develop in a stronger league against stronger competition and, by moving to England, makes available another development spot available for a Danish player at a Danish club. In essence, small nations get the best of both worlds--the Danes (for example) can develop their own talent as well as benefiting from other nations freely and willingly developing Danish talent. This closes the achievement gap between the richest nations (both in terms of talent and in money spent on a national team) and the poorest.

(Sidebar: there is a whole argument about the richest leagues plundering talent from the poorest and how these poor leagues/federations would be better off if they were able to keep the talent at home. That's the market--if a player is good enough and he plays in a shit league where he doesn't get paid, he's going to move. And while it might work against a nation on the club level, I think it absolutely works for them on a national level.)

I suppose it could be argued that Platini is doing this not with international football in mind but instead with club football in his crosshairs. Ostensibly, I suppose, he could argue that he's trying to even the playing field on the Champions League/UEFA Cup level but all that stuff is so fubar (because of earning gaps, distribution to lower leagues, etc), the 6+5 rule is about the last change that he needs to worry about making.

Anyway, in the same vein as this (and the real reason I wanted to post), I found this on the Guardian website after Idiot McFuckbag (Sir David Richards, Chairman of the Premier League) declared that the Premier League is damaging England. I would go so far as to argue that it's not (with 9 English players in the squads of the two English Champions League finalists) but that's not what's so remarkable about this little gem. Though they don't come out and say it in their feature, "Premier League v. England Timeline," what the Guardian is hinting at is that, somehow, someway, there is a connection between the events which happened in the Premier League and those that happened with the England team. Someone forgot to explain to the Guardian staff the difference between causality and coincidence. Take for example:

"May 1992: The Premier League is established as a limited company three months after top-flight clubs resign from the football league. First Premier League season begins in August

June 1992: A 2-1 defeat to Sweden in Stockholm means England fail to advance past the group stages of Euro'92, just two years after they reached the semi-finals of the World Cup in Italy"

Yes, that's right, the Guardian staff is suggesting, ever so gently, that somehow the Premier League--BEFORE IT HAD EVEN PLAYED A GAME--ruined England's chances to get to the knockout rounds of Euro 92. Yep, this entity which, I would argue, didn't actually exist except in the minds of a bunch of football executives and lawers until the first game was played, caused Per Tomas Brolin to score an 82nd minute winner in Stockholm.

Or, if they're not meaning to draw causation, they are simply saying "England was in the shitter then, they're in the shitter now!" which makes the whole article pointless.

They go on for a while, hinting that the number of foreign players in the Premier League hitting 250 had something to do with England going out of Euro 2008 qualifiers three months later and similar ridiculous shit but I'm too angry to even get into it. As David Cross once said, "It's called coincidence you fucking hippie freaks."

Still Hanging On

2008-06-09T21:49:00.006-04:00

Just to offer some perspective on this Ronaldinho to City thing, here are things/players you could buy for only (roughly) 13m pounds:

Paulo Ferreria
Michael Carrick
Yakubu (who's 25...up until a couple months ago, I thought he was like 38)
Alfonso Alves
Louis Saha
2x Alan Smith
13/21sts of Shaun Wright Phillips
UK-based polyurethane specialist Baxenden Chemicals Ltd
An inflation adjusted version of Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man

That was one of the more pointless exercises I've ever engaged in. However, who would you rather have? Carrick is solid, so is Yakubu and (potentially) Alves. Ferreria and Saha are okay. Alan Smith scored 0 goals and had one assist for Newcastle--can Ronny do twice as good as that? SWP (God bless him for continuing to believe his future is at Chelsea) managed 3 goals and 4 assists--maybe Ronaldinho can do 61.9% as well as this?

I know this is cherry picking but this shit is out of control. Transfer fees baffle me because they're so heavily based on speculation rather than based in some rational hierarchy of performance. They're also influenced insanely by who is buying and who is selling (which is why the "Chelsea spends too much" argument doesn't hold water for me--we spend a lot because people know we can spend a lot). But, more and more, player values are being falsely inflated/reduced because of short term performance (almost like the "en vogue" factor) independent of any other factor. Take Gareth Barry for example. I've watched Villa play a lot this season--they're one of my favorite sides outside of Chelsea. Barry is solid. He's good. He's above average. But, Liverpool have prepared themselves to make a 20m pound bid for him. 7m pounds more than Ronaldinho.

Let's do a quick rundown of stats that might warrant a higher/lower fee:

Age:
Ronaldinho: 28
Barry: 27
Advantage: Barry (slightly)

Position:
Ronaldinho: #10/Creative Player/Deep Lying Striker
Barry: Center Mid
Advantage: Ronny (I'd argue finding a creative player is much harder...though it can be argued)

Nationality:
Ronaldinho: Brazilian
Barry: English
Advantage: Barry (with the possibilty of the 6+5 rule, this could be big. This could be 7m pounds big.)

Looks pretty even right? Hang on, I think I forgot something:

Talent:
Ronaldinho: He's fucking Ronaldinho
Barry: Above Average
Advantage: Fucking Ronaldinho

Not to mention the potentials for shirt sales, marketing deals and the growth of the Manchester City global brand. Look, maybe I'm being dense here. I know the deal doesn't make as much sense football-wise as it might have once upon a time (though if he can even sniff the form that made him the world player of the year, he will more than impress at a mid-table outfit like City--hell he'd probably impress at Chelsea if he hit 85% of his best form...that's all it took for Ballack). But if you have the opportunity to buy a player who has huge marketing value and an enormous footballing upside, why not? If all he needs is a change of scenery, if he lights the world on fire next year, this is the transfer of the century. And, if not? Well, he cost less than Chelsea paid for Adrian Mutu so who gives a shit.

Sorry this wasn't funnier but this honestly baffles me.

EDIT: I know I'm just talking to myself at this point but, despite an injury riddled season and numerous complaints about his attitude, he still managed 8 goals in only 17 appearances for Barca this year. It's not life changing stuff here but damn, he's not the hack people would have you believe.

Hang on a Second.

2008-06-09T12:28:00.004-04:00

From the Times:

"After having an offer of about £13 million accepted by Barcelona, City have been granted permission to discuss personal terms with the Brazil forward [Ronaldinho], who has twice been named World Player of the Year." (emphasis mine)

Hold on one goddamned second.

Look, I agree that Ronaldinho is past his best. He's looked slow and tired and I doubt that a move to rainy Manchester is really going to sunny up his disposition. But he's still farking Ronaldinho. He still did these things in competitive matches. I'm not saying he's going to light the world on fire. I'm not saying he's worth 200k a week (although, to his credit, Thaksin has done something absolutely ingenious in getting advertisers on board to pay part of his wages--this could be a new paradigm for football or just a really clever way to not shell out so much cash). But, as I've said before, he's still farking Ronaldinho. For 13m, I'll sign him for my imaginary team, Stowe FC and his duties will consist of playing pick up games with my friends and giving me lessons in my back yard.

The transfer market is absolute lunacy. More later.

A Euro 2008 Preview

2008-06-06T17:59:00.017-04:00

Guardian Columnist and friend of the blog (NOTE: that may not actually be true) Harry Pearson wrote today that choosing which teams to pull against provided a much more compelling reason for Brits (and, by extension, everyone not involved in Euros) to watch the tournament with great interest than choosing a team to pull for. He says:

"There are so many reasons to detest other teams: because they lured away your star striker, dived outrageously, wore an obnoxious kit, provide the only gap in your 1994-95 season sticker collection, or once featured Andreas Möller in their line-up. Some reasons have historical weight, while others are more trivial. Some people unsupport England because they cannot forgive the Empire, others unsupport us because they cannot forgive David Seaman's ponytail."

I, on the other hand, unsupport England because of Gordon Brown failed to hold a referendum on the EU's Treaty of Lisbon. Seriously, what a douche.

Harry got me thinking--as an American, as someone who has never before watched the European championship with much vested interest, as someone who has no real European allegiances outside of club football, who can I present compelling (or completely inconsequential but equally steadfast) arguments against? What follows is my best attempt at Harry's exercise: it is The Frustrated Striker's first annual Euro 2008 preview.

***Since I'm trying to figure out who I'm unsupporting, cons will precede pros. Deal with it.***

Group A

1. Czech Republic:
Cons: Throttled the USA 3-0 at the World Cup in Germany. Also failed to qualify for the knockout rounds so took those three points for nothing. Prague Spring was totally gay and didn't accomplish anything. Slovakia is much cooler.
Pros: I once scored seven goals against fellow blogger, thedoctor2246, in FIFA 2006: Road to the World Cup with Milan Baros.
Verdict: Pros vastly outweigh the cons. Go Czechs!
2. Portugal:
Cons: Star player is Manchester United winger and collossal wanker Cristiano Ronaldo.
Pros: Star player is soon-to-be Real Madrid winger and all around awesome dude Cristiano Ronaldo.
Verdict: Too close to call. Too much depends on the hopelessly inept Ramon Calderon.
3. Turkey:
Cons: Fenerbahce currently employs Roberto Carlos which everyone should've stopped doing around 2004.
Pros: In Turkey, Colin Kazim-Richards becomes "Kazim-Kazim." Which sounds twice as cool as that awesome Shaq movie.
Verdict: This is literally the longest I've ever thought about Turkish football.
4. Switzerland:
Cons: Phillipe Senderos sucks. According to Wikipedia, they're also know as the "Schweizer Nati" which sounds like a mix of German beer and Natty Light. Gross.
Pros: Geneva's pretty nice, even though it's kind of expensive. They have a cool free bike program.
Verdict: International neutrality doesn't mean that I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I've got my eye on you, Switzerland.

Group B

1. Croatia:
Cons: Stupid uniforms. History of political instability as a Balkan state. Luka Modric signed for Spurs.
Pros: Sympathy vote for Eduardo da Silva and his new KFC two-piece leg meal. (Get it?) Knocked Ingerland out of the Euros giving me weeks of enjoyable reading on the Guardian and lots of jokes to tell my English friends.
Verdict: They're pretty fun to watch and Nico Kranjcar has taken over Pedro Mendes' title as "Portsmouth Player who will shoot from literally anywhere." Croatia, I support you.
2. Germany:
Cons: The Bundesliga is literally unwatchable. Miroslav Klose might be a Nazi. Bastian Schweinsteiger is a player that fellow blogger Rob is "sentimentally attached to" which is strange.
Pros: Torsten Frings is an awesome name. Herr Ballack is in the best form of recent memory and is a Blue.
Verdict: I subversively support them. I support them only so I can see them go out in the semis after three unbelievable Jens Lehmann howlers. Seriously, that guy is a nut.
3. Poland:
Cons: Their three best players (and the only three of their players who I've ever heard of) are keepers. Also, homeland of current "Wait? He plays for Real Madrid?" award winner Jerzy Dudek.
Pros: Coolest badge in Euro 2008. Sympathy vote for that whole holocaust thing.
Verdict: Poland, I nothing you.
4. Austria:
Cons: Red Bull Salzberg were dicks to Red Bull NY when they visited and you don't fuck with America. I knew a kid who went abroad to Vienna and he was a total cock. I'm just going to assume the whole country is filled with losers.
Pros: Hosting the tournament so...thanks for that, Austria. I guess. On second thought, they don't seem that excited about it. I just decided that's a con.
Verdict: Hey, Austria, fuck you.

Group C

1. France:
Cons: I could throw out some sterotypical crap about how they surrender in every war or how their women don't shave their pits and it would be HILARIOUS. But, honestly, I can't think of a con except for the fact that Zidane didn't magically come out of retirement for my personal enjoyment.
Pros: They have extremely exciting talent in Ben Arfa, Benzema, Toulalan (the obvious successor to Makelele in the coveted "guy with repeated l-vowel combinations in his name" category) and Nasri. Plus, a victory lap for the very last of the 1998 World Cup winners like Thuram, Viera and Henry. Their match with Italy is going to be an absolute cracker because you have to feel like they have a score to settle.
Verdict: Yes. On board.
2. Holland:
Cons: Arjen Robben will probably prove me wrong and play really well in this tournament, thereby disproving the notion that he's a total sham and making Chelsea look foolish for selling him. I hate hearing Johan Cryuff prattle on about total football. You guys were awesome--we get it.
Pros: Van Basten seems to know how to play to their strengths which is stick as many guys in front of your shambolic defense and hit out at pace on the counter (which is why Cryuff is so interminable). I don't care what anyone says--I like Ruud van Nistelrooy. Mario Melchiot once pulled off the rare self pass in a Wigan game I watched.
Verdict: I'll watch with muted interest. Watching the whole Dutch team is like watching Robin van Persie--you're excited but you don't want to be surprised or too emotionally involved when it goes down with an injury.
3. Romania:
Cons:
Pros:
Verdict: They play soccer in Romania?
4. Italy:
Cons: Divers. Marco Materazzi. Smug. Every imaginable Italian coach has turned down Chelsea. Ugly jerseys. Ugly players. Gennaro Gattuso. Match fixers. Peroni is nasty crap. Ugh.
Pros: Literally the only reason I can imagine cheering for them is Pipo Inzaghi. And he's not in the squad.
Verdict: Thinking about them turns my stomach. I think they are the definition of the nation I'd like to unsupport.

Group D

1. Greece:
Cons: The 20 or so Euros I paid to go the Acropolis was a total waste. Also, they're like rebuilding the stuff up there. I don't want to know what the Parthenon would look like if it was built half in the 5th century BC and half built in 2008, you Grecian assholes.
Pros: Pita bread is like the most delicious thing on Earth.
Verdict: Pita bread alone, no matter the cons, is enough to convince me to support them. Even if they do field shit footballers like Georgios Samaras.
2. Sweden:
Cons: Freddie Ljungberg plays for West Ham (by choice!) and is kind of a whiner. Henrik Larsson is still on the team despite being 173 years old (estimated).
Pros: Zlatan Ibrahimovich is pretty awesome and if you don't believe me, you should check this out. I went through a whole Swedish band phase and I guess Peter Bjorn and John, I'm from Barcelona and The Hellacopters are pretty cool.
Verdict: Why not? If only to see how awesome Ibra is, I'm in.
3. Spain:
Cons: Might as well call this the LiverRealCelona team. And, of those teams, I love approximately none of them. Luis Aragones also called Thierry Henry a "black shit" so that's pretty fucked up, right? Also, Franco.
Pros: Cesc Fabregas is awesome (although he's stifled in their system by all accounts...so half a pro). So is Fernando Torres.
Verdict: I want to like them. I won't cheer against them all the way until they go out disappointingly in the quarters.
4. Russia:
Cons: Vodka shots make me almost puke every time.
Pros: Fabergé eggs.
Verdict: The Motherland falls to the bottom of the group at the bottom of this tired exercise almost by default. There is nothing cool about this team, not even Guus Hiddink (who was awesome in Australia) . But, seeing as they are at the bottom of the group, I must now root vehemently against them.

Of course, none of this has any bearing on who I think is going to win the championships. Or how. In fact, I don't even really know what games are this weekend. All I know is put down your money now--Wayne Rooney for Euro 2008 top scorer!

Marcus Tracy, MARCUS TRACY!

2008-06-02T10:40:00.002-04:00

I don't want to be too much of a homer but this is pretty unabashedly awesome:

Could They? Might They? (or the Delusions of a Chelsea Fan)

2008-05-30T23:03:00.004-04:00

It's been a good day for delusional Chelsea fans everywhere. Why? See below:

1. I think Cristiano Ronaldo's god-pater is my new best friend.

"I believe that he has decided he is going to Real Madrid but he is not going to say so until after the European Championship."

His mom is pretty cool too:

"Madrid is my team, the best team in the world, and I'd like him to go there. I love Madrid and I would go and live with him."

Look, I want to like Cristiano Ronaldo. He's pretty unconditionally awesome. I just might cheer for Portugal in Euro 2008. But when he puts on a United Jersey, I can't help but hope that he breaks both his legs. And arms. And neck.

If he went to Madrid, I'd be excited. I like Real Madrid. Let me rephrase that--I have no reason not to like Real Madrid. We haven't met them in the Champions League in recent memory, they haven't taken any of our players or targets of consequence (I'm looking at you Arjen Robben), they're sworn enemies of Barcelona with whom Chelsea have some bad blood. So all pretty good, right? He could go to Madrid, be the best player in the world, score tons and tons and tons of goals and I could be like, "Aw, shucks, Ronaldo. You're so cheeky and fun!" It would be awesome. I'd be a little bummed not to get to see him every week but, you know, he might just be enough to convince me to get Gol TV.

Needless to say, signing the best player in the world would be a pretty good signing for Real. It would probably end the Madrid careers of at least a couple of guys. I can't see both Robinho and Baptista staying on (and getting playing time) with Ronaldo around. Even Drenthe might be in trouble.

I'm not even going to let the silent fear of what Sir Alex Ferguson could do with 50-80m pounds enter my mind. This is too exciting.

2. I've already blogged about Mourinho coming home to Stamford Bridge. I can't think of anyone better for the job. Mancini isn't proven in Europe. Rijkard is out of vogue. Ladrup is too inexperienced (and has fallen completely out of the frame). Big Phil Scolari is untested in club football. Guus is old. Mark Hughes has no European experience. Roy Keane used to play for United. Is there no one else?

Yes there is. There's this good looking Portugese I know. He's snarky, he argues with children, all he does is win. His name is Jose Mourinho and he is awesome. If there's one advantage he has over all the rest, it is his ability to keep this squad together. It seems increasingly likely that Lamps is following Drogba out the door and heading quickly for Mourinho-land. Goodbye 35 goals a year. Mourinho could unite the core of the squad we already have and would likely be given enough of a budget to go after targets to plug the few remaining holes (probably Eto'o or McCarthy, maybe a winger with Malouda going out the door, a new keeper as cover for Cech). The one dealing that has already been done must have made Mourinho smile: Bosingwa is a Portugese who used to play at FC Porto--is there a more Mourinho buy than that?

Now, if it were just me, I'd dismiss it. But Chelsea Blog agrees. Come on Jose. Make my summer. Please.

Among Chelsea fans, there also seems to be growing support for Martin O'Neill. He seems like Diet Jose to me--still very fiery and entertaining and seems to have great control over the training ground. He surely has earned a shot at a big club and, if we can't have Mourinho, I'd love to be the club to give him that shot.

So Ronaldo, go. Mourinho, come. It's really very simple.

Jared Borgetti Thinks CONCACAF is Hard

2008-05-29T23:03:00.006-04:00

Jared Borgetti, Mexico's record scorer (what is it with this blog and record scorers of CONCACAF Nations?), thinks Sven Goran Eriksson isn't right to be Mexico's new manager. Here's why:

"It has to be someone who knows Mexican football, who knows the Mexican players, the lives of the Mexican players and who knows the CONCACAF World Cup qualifiers, which are very different from Europe."

Here's what Mexico has to do to make it to the World Cup:

1. Beat Belize over a 2 leg home/away series
2. Finish first or second in a group containing, at worst, Jamaica, Honduras and Canada (ranked 105th, 36th and 62nd respectively)
3. Finish first, second or third in the final six team group. This group will contain, at worst, USA (21), Honduras (36), Panama (67), Costa Rica (77) and Trinidad & Tobago (88).

It took me like 8 minutes to figure that out using the interwebs. You don't need to know anything about Mexican football to lead Mexico to qualification. You don't even need to know the players' names. I feel fairly certain I could navigate the Mexican team through, at the very least, the first two steps of qualification. And I have no previous coaching experience. And I don't speak a word of Spanish. Mexico are the out and out favorites to qualify. They haven't failed to qualify since 1990. They're more talented than literally ANYONE in the federation (did anyone see how poorly the US played at Wembley? The Mexicans should run us off the pitch--and we'll qualify without blinking an eye). Mr. Borgetti, Svennis would be fine.

Of course, Thaksin Shinawatra is never going to fire him and Sven's not leaving without a huge payoff. So this Mexican thing is kind of a moot point.

Weird Guy of the Week

2008-05-28T19:21:00.005-04:00

Man United Asst. Manager and Grade-A Douchebag Carlos Queiroz said this today re: Real Madrid pursuing Cristiano Ronaldo:

"Cristiano Ronaldo will never be Spanish, as they will never take Olivenca again. They already did the same with Christopher Columbus, and it now seems they want to naturalise Cristiano Ronaldo. Have they already forgotten what we did to them in the past? We will never lose our patience.

It's being done in a manner to distract the Portugal team, at the height of their preparations for the European Championships. But I am convinced that despite pressure from the Spanish sporting press he will not accept to change his nationality. However, it is an attack with a well-defined strategy and Portugal should be worried about that."

First of all, huh? Second of all, what? Third of all, huh?

Okay, here's what we learned:

1. Cristiano Ronaldo is like the small Portuguese border town of Olivencia in that he belonged to Portugal between the years of 1297 and 1801. Since then, there had been a dispute over who Ronaldo belongs to. It's a touchy subject for both nations.
2. Real Madrid once tried to sign Christopher Columbus.
3. Apparently, the Portugese did something totally bad ass to Real Madrid in the past. Too bad the Madridistas have apparently forgotten.
4. The Portuguese National Team have some sort of learning disability. Otherwise, why would a club trying to sign a player--something that happens literally EVERY day--qualify as a distraction?
5. Real Madrid (all of them, even their Portuguese defender Pepe) want Portugal to lose in Euro 2008.

What we didn't learn:

1. Why Carlos Queiroz thinks that Real Madrid trying to buy the BEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD is some symbol that they're trying to get Ronaldo to betray his country. I mean, geez man, has anyone even mentioned that? Is that a thing? Did the English secretly try to naturalize Ronaldo when he signed for United? God forbid Italy gets into the fray.

Carlos Queiroz, I think you might be kind of a weird guy.

A Yankee World Cup?

2008-05-27T23:24:00.004-04:00

The Guardian revealed today that the US may be considering a bid for the 2018 World Cup. This stirs up some major shit--the English are pretty sure this one is theirs. It's fair: they haven't hosted one since 1966 and, among European nations, they're certainly due. But, it has been 14 years since CONCACAF last hosted a World Cup--2018 would be 24 years. The US is clearly a formidable candidate and hosting another World Cup with a more established domestic league (MLS will be more than 20 years old at that point) could be a big coup for US Soccer. No other CONCACAF nation can field a reasonable bid either; Mexico probably does not have the infrastructure (and FIFA would be unlikely to award it to them after giving World Cups to developing South Africa and Brazil) and Canada doesn't have the stadiums.

Look, I'd love to see the World Cup in America. I'd love to attend a game (though there aren't many venues in the southeast that would likely host matches). I've been to a MNT game (albeit a friendly) and seen the passion American soccer fans have. They deserve it. But, I can't seem to convince myself it should happen. The soccer-specific stadium debate is one side of the issue; games in Giant Stadium are simply never going to be as good as games at Old Trafford.

(Sidebar: One part of the soccer-specific stadium debate that will probably get lost is the variability of size. I really enjoyed the games in Germany because each place took on its own identity and, I have to say, the games in the smaller arenas (6 of 12 had capacities less than 50,000) had a really different feel from the games in bigger ones. I don't see US Soccer utilizing smaller facilities for a change of pace--most will be NFL sized stadiums that all feel, sound and play the same. Unfortunate. Probably not great for the MLS either--I'm sure it isn't great that none of our domestic league's soccer-specific stadiums will be used because they're simply too small.)

But, the bigger issue, I think, is the ways in which the vastness of America works against having a successful World Cup. Maybe I'm making too much of this--I wasn't really interested enough in 1994 to see how things worked back then. But I can't get over the feeling that having a closer geographic spread is a real boon to a World Cup. It allows fans to bounce more easily from stadium to stadium and see games more easily. It also ratchets up the intensity, I think--maybe that's just me. Anyway, that becomes a huge issue when you're getting ready to stage a World Cup in the US. For example, US Soccer will certainly want to showcase Qwest Field in Seattle which is quickly becoming the premier large soccer stadium in the US. They'll also, inevitably, choose somewhere like Giants Stadium to capitalize on the New York market. The World Cup will then stretch across 3000 miles--it will have no center and, I'm afraid, no real identity. Maybe I'm overstating the importance but I think there's something to be said for compact planning in such a large event. Germany had the great fortune that it's furthest venues were only 480 miles apart. England can offer a similar compact nature along with top class venues. So I'm throwing my support behind them.

Besides, it's the only way they'll qualify for the tournament.

More on Landycakes.

2008-05-26T22:37:00.003-04:00

I realized that last post was pretty heavy on Landy-hating without providing substantive analysis of Landy's performance on the pitch or real reasons for disliking him. So here goes a more thorough investigation of America's most successful goalscorer:

1. The Guardian did an interesting investigation into Peter Crouch's goals last year. People were noting Crouch's phenomenal strike rate (something like 14 goals in 20 games) and someone pointed out that most came against lower-ranked opposition. In fact, the Guardian calculated that Crouch's goals had come against opposition with an average FIFA ranking of 67.21. Michael Owen, on the other hand (who at the time had 40 England goals), scored goals against opposition ranked, on average, 45.43. So while most of Crouch's goals came against opposition roughly as good as Panama, Owen's goals were scored against better opposition--closer to Morocco. Landycakes is at a disadvantage here because the United States doesn't often play against top-tier opposition. It is still my assertion that Landy rarely scores in the few top-tier games in which he plays. I'm going to do this the laziest way possible--I'm going to use current FIFA rankings rather than taking the time to look up the rankings of the opposition at the time he scored the goals. I figure, for the most part, the fluctuations in ranking will even out over 35 goals.

Landon's Opponent Average: 65.91 (roughly equivalent to scoring against Angola)

That is to say that he's roughly as successful as Crouch. He has scored three times against Mexico but the simple fact is four-goal games against Cuba and hat-tricks against Ecuador are inflating his tally.

2. I don't like to complain about players showboating or stuff like that. I tend to believe one thing American soccer needs more of (Mexico games excepted) is more fighting, more spitting, more surrounding the referee. I think if we could show Americans that soccer is "played with the same passion as American football" (whatever the fuck that means), it might gain some respect. But I do think Landon is a traditionally disrespectful player. I wish I could find the video of him screaming at an opposing defender after he scored on him or running over and taunting the Chivas bench after scoring. No one thinks you're cool Landon. It's one thing to do something awesome (like Drogba running to the halfway line and sliding in front of Benitez after Rafa called him a diver or Robbie Fowler doing imaginary lines of coke after the press speculated he was on the charlie), it's another to be a total dick.

3. This will probably sound like I'm railing on MLS but I'm not. MLS is 10 years old. The European leagues have a 100 year head start on us. For where we are, we're doing quite well.

However, Landycakes' safety blanket approach to football is embarrassing. I think it's pretty lame that our best player, the savior of American soccer chooses to play in a C-rate league. It doesn't matter that he leads the league in scoring--he should. The defending is largely horrendous and the goalkeeping is even worse (though both are improving). I remember watching goals of the week last year and, consistently, 3 out of 5 of the nominees were from well-struck but largely mediocre free kicks. That spoke to the quality of finishing but also to the quality of goalkeeping. It's a wonder Beckham hasn't scored more--if you get it on frame, it's got a pretty good chance of going down. Simply put, Landy doesn't have the stones to play on the big boy stage. That's probably why he doesn't score more goals against strong opposition.

4. I don't really dislike him for this but his name is spelled stupidly. I know I could go back and correct the last post but, from now on, we're spelling "Donovan" as "Donavon." I'm happy with the decision.

That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the contribution he's made to American soccer. He's clearly one of the great American players of the game and I don't mean to take anything away from him (okay, maybe a little bit I do). I'd just like for us to find 11 other players better than him so I never have to see his rat face again.

Landon Donavon? Starting?

2008-05-26T21:48:00.006-04:00

Yes. He is. The NY Times Soccer Blog has asked me to name my starting XI for the US/England friendly and I think I just might. Yes, it's a friendly. More importantly, yes, it's a friendly between two teams who don't figure at all on the international stage (yeah, that's right, England. You heard me). But, it's better than following transfer rumors for another day (other than the extremely exciting rumor that Barcelona want to buy Malouda. Buy him! FOR MONEY!) or speculating who's going to replace Grant at Chelsea. So here goes my favorite futile exercise--expending time and energy on the US National Team:

(4-4-1-1...with the option to turn into a 4-2-3-1 with Dempsey and Beasley pushing up right behind the striker)

GK: Howard
DEF: Cherundolo, Bocanegra, Onyewu, Pierce
MID: Dempsey, Bradley, Clark, Beasley
FW: Donavon
ST: Johnson

I have to admit, I know nothing about the defenders outside of Bocanegra and Onyewu. I picked Cherundolo and Pierce because they seem to have played recently for the national team and both are European-based (which counts for something, I suppose). The problem in picking American defenders to me is that none of them seem to have a real position. Even Bocanegra, one of our longest serving players on the national team, can't nail down a spot--he plays fullback for Fulham (who apparently released him, according to the ever-reliable Wikipedia) but seems only to play center half for the national team of late, despite the fact that he used to play fullback. The lack of specialization is not good: does anyone think John Terry would stand to be shifted to
right back? Hell, Jamie Carragher retired from international football rather than play fullback.

Bradley, despite the protests of some of my closest friends (one of whom should be on this blog shortly), is going to anchor my midfield for the next 8-10 years if I'm coaching this side. He's a good tackler, good passer and a smart player. He's extremely solid and he's not Claudio Reina so he gets my vote. Ricardo Clark is energetic and still young--I figure I'll give him a run-out against England and see how he does. Dempsey and Beasley are no-brainers because we really have no wingers. Both have played great for the national team and have the ability to pull goals out of nowhere. Maybe DaMarcus can recover that World Cup Korea form.

Now, the biggest point of contention--Landycakes. I don't like him. I don't like him as a player. I don't think I'd like him as a person. I get an inappropriate amount of joy out of this:

Beasley's gotta take that one himself. Anyway, I think he's a miserable person and kind of a pansy but who else are we going to put here? Who's going to score goals? No one. Donavon, sadly enough, is the best soccer player in the States and we're stuck with him. Believe me, I'd rather play Adu here but, c'mon, let's not get ridiculous.

I'd put Altidore up top if I had my choice but he's not in the squad. What we need is a target man and we don't really have one. I suppose Jaqua's a big target but he's more shit than anyone in the squad so Johnson gets it by default. Congrats Eddie. Score some goals and maybe someone will show you some respect.

I don't even think the game is on in the States. Hooray. Go America.

EDIT: I just realized I left out an explanation of why I picked Timmy. Because he's awesome. It was so obvious I forgot to write it. My apologies, Mr. Howard. You're one of the few who's actually fit to wear the shirt.

I'm Calling Your Bullshit.

2008-05-25T21:36:00.010-04:00

Dear Rafael Benitez,

I'm calling your bullshit. You said the following earlier today:

"It's more difficult because after two years of Chelsea winning the league and spending big money, United needed to do the same. They started spending big money and Arsenal were also spending big money on young players. We are trying to do the same but because they are continuing to spend big money, it makes it more difficult to catch up ... We will try to do our best and the key for me is to not talk about the title."

Bull. Shit. Your teams, pound for pound, aren't good enough. You haven't bought well. You haven't coached well. You haven't looked cool doing it. But one thing you certainly HAVE done is spend money. You can't chalk it up to that oh Goatee-ed One. Other than Chelsea*, you've spent every bit as much getting significantly less out of your buys. Let's see:

Rafa's Big Buys (in Pounds):
Torres 22m
Mascherano 18.6m
Babel 11.25m
Alonso 10.5m
Kuyt 9m
Crouch 7m
Lucas Levia 7m
Morientes 6.9m
Pennant 6.7m
Bellamy 6.5m
Skrtel 6.5m
Luis Garcia 6.1m
Reina 6m
Agger 5.8m
Sissoko 5.3m
Benayoun 4.5m
Arbeloa 2.5m

Overall outlay? 142m. An average of 35.5m pounds a season. And of all the buys, maybe two great ones? Torres was hardly a visionary buy but proved to be an extremely good one. Mascherano is a solid buy but 18.6m is steep for a central midfielder. Babel, Skrtel and Agger are ones for the future. Other than that, what did you get for your 142m, Rafa? I can tell you.

2004-2005: 5th (37 points off the pace)
2005-2006: 3rd (9 points off the pace)
2006-2007: 3rd (21 points off the pace)
2007-2008: 4th (11 points off the pace)

What did big spending Arsenal and Man Utd spend over this period? I just happen to have that on hand as well.

Since 2004:
United: 107m (Rooney, Van Der Sar, Evra, Park, Vidic, Carrick, Nani, Anderson, Hargreaves, Tevez)
Arsenal: 53m (Almunia, Flamini, Walcott, Rosicky, Hleb, Adebayor, Denilson, Fabianski, Eduardo, Diarra, Sagna)

Rafael Benitez, you got served.

*-The irony of a Chelsea fan serving up a diatribe on transfer dollars spent is not lost on me. However, Chelsea inflate their own transfer fees by not exercising patience and by the simple fact that everyone knows that they can pay high prices. We payed 21m for Shaun Wright-Phillips. I mean, come on. Our squad could have been assembled for much less but it simply wasn't. We're owned by a Russian oligarch. We're in the business of paying a lot. Get over it. And it doesn't change the fact that Rafa Benitez is a total douche.

Make It Rain on them...Potential Transfer Targets.

2008-05-25T13:18:00.008-04:00

The Guardian has a list of potential transfer targets for Chelsea and United. Let's have a look see:

Chelsea:

RAFAEL VAN DER VAART 25
Have never seen him play. Have heard wonderful things. Think the last thing we need is another midfielder unless we're moving to a four (or five) man midfield. Even so, bringing him in to a central role would force either Ballack or Lampard out on the wing while leaving even less room for Essien and Mikel (who, along with Kalou, is Chelsea's most important young player to develop). Next.

KAKA 26
Not gonna happen. Would be a great guy to sit behind the strikers in a 4-3-1-2 or a good second striker if we're only going to play one up top. But, realisitically, he doesn't fit into a system built around a strong central striker and doesn't leave much room for Ballack or Lampard surging forward from midfield. It would take 50m+ pounds and a complete change of philosophy (and a purge of some key personnel) to accommodate him--neither of which seem entirely realistic.

KLAAS JAN HUNTELAAR 24 (and the usual suspects--VILLA (26), ROBINHO (24) and QUARESMA (24))
By all accounts, Robinho is on his way. Buying guys (Bosingwa included) before you install a new manager seems strange and risky and strange but I guess Peter Kenyon knows best. Robinho is a solid buy (though I'm not sure is he's worth 25m+) if he can work in with Cole and whoever is playing striker. He's a proven scorer from the second striker position and should be able to drift out on the wing and be, hopefully, more effective than Malouda. Villa and Huntelaar seem dependent on the futures of Drogba and Anelka (whose position gets more shaky by the day). While I like to delude myself into believing that Drogba is staying, this and other articles suggest otherwise. Strange to think he might leave against his own will. It'd be a shame and Kenyon would be a fool to let it happen. Unless we're dealing Cole (or not signing Robinho), Quaresma seems surplus to requirements.

SERGIO RAMOS 22
Put off the Ramos signing for a few years and, instead, make sure Carvalho will stick around. He's consistently as good or better than Terry and letting him go would be a big mistake. In two years, Ramos will have surely fallen out of favor at Real (isn't that what happens to all defenders in Madrid?) and we can buy him when he's a more mature defender for less money. Problem solved.

Manchester United:

IGOR AKINFEEV 22
Who knows? They've already got one of the top young keepers in England in Ben Foster (if he can stay healthy) so it seems a little redundant. But Kuszczak is shit so maybe it's not such a bad idea.

DANI ALVES 25 (along with MICAH RICHARDS (19) and ALEKSANDR ANYUKOV (25))
They need a right back--for god's sake, they played Wes Brown there in the Champions League Final. I don't see Richards crossing Manchester and, if Alves were coming to England, I think he would've already signed for Chelsea or Liverpool (what a crush Rafa had on him!). I wish I had watched the UEFA Cup so that I knew anything about Anyukov (who plays for Zenit) but, alas, I did not because it was the UEFA Cup.

MIGUEL VELOSO 22 (and two guys from Zenit who are, also, presumably holding midfielders)
Arsenal are also fond of this prospect from Sporting Lisbon. Considering that United are pretty well suited at that position (with both Carrick and Hargreaves signed to long term deals), I'm going to say that Arsenal are the favorites. They can't seriously expect for Gilberto to play there next season, can they?

WILSON PALACIOS 23 & LUIS ANTONIO VALENCIA 22
I like that The Guardian only grouped these two together because they both play for Wigan, not because they play the same position or anything. Palacios makes more sense because, someday, Paul Scholes is going to retire and they need someone who can go forward from midfield. But I'm not sure either are really good enough, certianly not Valencia. Can anyone really see him getting a game over Ronaldo or Nani? Nope? Moving on.

LUIS FABIANO 27 (along with the usual suspects BERBATOV (27) and ETO'O (27))
Fabiano is supposedly available for 8.6m pounds which is ridiculous. That's Arsenal money. A solid player and I'd be surprised if they get him for anything less than 15m (a price which very well may push them out of the market). Berbatov and Eto'o are no surprise. But, it seems like if Berbatov were going to happen, it already would've. And Eto'o seems a much more likely target for Chelsea--I can't see him happily splitting time with Rooney or Tevez. However, he'll probably end up at Inter; Jose's always been keen on him.

You Must Be Kidding.

2008-05-24T20:54:00.004-04:00

Once upon a time, there was underachieving Swedish manager at the helm of England. After a series of woeful performances at the World Cup in Germany, he was rightfully sacked. He landed on his feet nearly a year later at a quaint little club called "Manchester City." The old Swede did quite well there. Bought well (Elano, Geovanni, Martin Petrov), kept his best players (Micah Richards) and, occasionally, bought poorly (Bianchi). He won games and, for a moment, the public thought he might finish in a UEFA Cup spot or, perhaps if his players wished hard enough, in a Champions League spot. Alas, it was not to be. His team's form plummeted in the second half of the season.

Still, the old Swede's team did the double over Manchester U (their bitter and hated rivals) for the first time since 1970. And they did finish 9th in the league--their highest league finish since 2002-03. And they DID earn a UEFA Cup spot, albeit through their high finish in the Fair Play Table. And yet, bizarrely, the club's evil Kim Jong Il-like owner decided that he would fire the lonely Swede despite his success.

This story, kids, is all too true. In fact, it's just a long contrived way of saying that Thaksin Shinawatra is lining up Avram Grant as a replacement for Eriksson. What the fuck would Eriksson have had to do to keep his job? In what reasonable world does a man who takes a club from 14th to 9th (winning 13 more points along the way) and does the double over the league champions lose his job? It's like Shinawatra doesn't realize that it's MAN CITY--they're not even a real club.

Avram's a real mediocre choice (especially with the wealth of talent floating around this summer--doesn't City seem like they could be a pretty solid place for Big Sam to land?) but not a horrible one. I hope they do hire Avram and Chelsea hire Eriksson. It will be awesomely ironic when both are fired for not living up to standards again next summer.

Mourinho Back to Chelsea?

2008-05-24T19:59:00.008-04:00

If I had one rule for this blog, it'd be to never post on/believe anything written in The Sun. Oh well.

Mourinho's record: 3 years, 2 league titles, 3 domestic cups, never lost a game at home (in the league).

I can't imagine why we'd want to bring Jose back....

He also came out today and proclaimed Avram Grant a loser. I swear, he may be the coolest man alive. Called Arsene Wenger a voyeur, claimed Sir Alex Ferguson had "divorced himself from reality," once correctly guessed Barcelona's team sheet (as well as proclaiming his own) for a Champions League quarterfinal at the Nou Camp. Why wouldn't you want this as your manager?

Incidentally, he's not coming back. Look for Rijkard, Ladrup or Svennis as your next Chelsea manager.