Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Why Do You Need Andrei Arshavin?

Mr. Ramos,

Hi, my name is Stowe and I think you have a problem. You've been doing a lot of signing and selling this summer and, well, some of us are worried about you. You've already signed Luka Modric, John Bostock, a keeper from Brazil who's not Dida, Geovanni dos Santos, David Bentley and some dude named Paul-Jose Mpoku. You've spent almost twice as much (46m) as Chelsea (24m).

You've got 11 midfielders. You've also got Dietmar Berbatov and Darren Bent. Here's a question--why do you need attacking midfielder Andrei Arshavin? Are you going to play him in place of a second striker? That could work but you'd probaby have to leave Luka Modric out. Maybe you could slide Arshavin out onto the wing? Nope, got Bentley and Lennon (who are both right-sided players, nice choice). Maybe slide him in the center? Jenas'll be mad.

Good luck, Mr. Ramos.

Friday, July 25, 2008

No You Don't

Fabio Capello declared today that he has the hardest job in Europe. Why?

"I'm worse off than Lippi, than everyone. I have Welsh players, Scottish, Irish. In the Premier League only 35% of the players are English. In Italy it's about 72% [Italians]."

First of all, I don't know what the Welsh, Scottish and/or Irish have to do with it. Did no one explain to him that he can only pick dudes from England? Perhaps someone should explain to him that Gareth Bale is, sadly, not available to be called up. (Sidenote: when are we going to make "Bale for England" t-shirts?)

Second of all, no you don't. Mr. Capello, no you don't. I can think of like 50 jobs harder than yours. I think the guy who manages Belarus has a pretty tough job. What about Estonia? Or Cyprus? That shit would suck.

The problem is not that we should keep England English. That's stupid. The real problem is that they don't have a proven striker who can lead the team (I'm looking at you Rooney) and their goalkeepers are, collectively, crazier than a box of rocks. England, however, have a wealth of wide players, a solid defense and a number of impressive holding and attacking midfield players. Just because they didn't qualify for Euro 2008 doesn't mean that Capelllo's job is suddenly incredibly difficult.

I'm actually going to take it a step further though. What if the problem isn't that the Premier League is too heavily foreign--what if the problem is that not enough English players go abroad? England haven't called up any foreign based player of note since Owen Hargreaves moved back to England from Bayern Munich (and, yes, I know they've called up Beckham but, stop being a smartass, we all know playing in America does't count). Look at how many players in top European teams play abroad (based on players who played in their final game of Euro 2008):

Spain: 3 of 14
Italy: 3 of 14
Germany: 3 of 14
Netherlands: 10 of 14
Croatia: 11 of 13
Czech Republic: 13 of 14
Portugal: 10 of 14
France: 7 of 14

So, yeah. While it makes sense that countries whose domestic leagues are traditionally weaker (i.e. not Italy, Spain or England) would pull more foreign based players, even the Spanish and Italians have found some value in pulling in players who play abroad. So perhaps Capello should encourage some of his players to move abroad (Frank Lampard to Inter, anyone?) instead of bitching about all the dern foreigners in the league. It's likely that having to adapt to new styles of play would allow English players to adapt more readily to the challenges of qualifying for an international tournament. Maybe then they could beat Macedonia. At home.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Who?

The Guardian headline read:

"NGOG COMPLETES MOVE TO ANFIELD"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who?"

The Guardian's article read:

"
The Anfield club described the forward as "one of the brightest young talents in French football" and "lightening quick"..."

A chorus of football fans read on:

"...although Ngog, the cousin of the former Newcastle defender Jean-Alain Boumsong, managed just one goal in 18 matches for PSG last season." (Sidenote: I'm not sure which is worse, only managing one goal in 18 matches or being related to Jean-Alain Boumsong)

Liverpool responded:

"But we also signed Philipp Degen, Andrea Dossena, Diego Cavalieri, Vincent Weijl and Emmanuel Mendy!!!!!!"

A chorus of football fans responded:

"Who? We think you're just making people up."

Liverpool responded:

"No, they're for real. We promise. Rafa says they're going to be gr8!"

Liverpool fans sighed to themselves:

"Rafa, we hate you."

(This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Max Bretos Foundation for the Idiotic)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Chelsea's 25, 24, 23-Man Squad

Big Phillip says he wants to cut Chelsea's squad from the current 35 down to "23, 24 players, maximum 25." Sir Alex says we're to old to challege for the title but, frankly, fuck him. So who would be my 23-25 players, you ask? Well, I'll tell you!

GK:
Petr Cech (just signed a new 5 year contract)
Carlo Cudicini
Hilario

DEF:
Ricardo Carvalho
John Terry
Ashley Cole
Jose Bosingwa
Alex
Wayne Bridge (just signed a new 4 year deal)
Paulo Ferreria
Branislav Ivanovic

MID:
Michael Essien (just signed a new 5 year deal)
Michael Ballack
Frank Lampard
Deco
Joe Cole
John Obi Mikel
Shaun Wright-Phillips

FWD:
Didier Drogba
Salomon Kalou
Franco Di Santo
Andriy Shevchenko

IN:
Robinho

Already OUT:
Steve Sidwell
Claude Makelele
Khalid Boulahrouz

OUT:
Juliano Beletti
Tal Ben Haim
Florent Malouda
Claudio Pizarro
Nicolas Anelka

That's 23 established(ish) players remaining and, after sending the three of them off on loan through December, I'd add Sinclair, Sahar and Mancienne to the mix. But 23 is more than enough.

And yep, that's right. I'm keeping Shaun Wright-Phillips. But you guys already knew that.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I'm Watching MLS

Yep, it's gotten that bad. Almost a month after Euro 2008 and I'm bored enough to watch MLS. On FSC. That's doubly bad.

Wanted to share this bit of lunacy from the guy who's not Christian Miles. 25th minute, Beckham setting up for a free kick in a central position 20 yards out. Non-Miles shares this little gem:

"If the wall jumps, he could also drive this ball, put it under the wall. It's very difficult for a keeper to react to a low shot."

Yeah, because that's a common, easily-executed move. I've seen it done only once, by the magical Ronaldinho back when he was at his most magical. So yeah, Beckham can definitely pull it off. I mean it's a once in a lifetime goal for a player (even a player of his caliber) but I'm sure he just saved it for this magical July night at Giants Stadium.

Beckham, unsurprisingly, smacked it into the wall.

It was followed shortly by some shambolic defending by the Red Bulls and Ruiz got on the end of a Buddle cross that most high school defenders could've cleared. MLS!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

America Kindly Requests that you Suck It

The Times composed a list of 50 football moments that you wish you'd been there for. The Miracle on Grass made the list:

"25. The United States beat England, 1950

One of the greatest upsets in World Cup history, as England somehow lost to a team of part-timers (many not born in America) in Belo Horizonte, the only goal coming in the 57th minute."

Okay, Times Online. I don't want to argue. I know this was probably your least favorite moment to write about, being Brits and all. You know, we Americans don't have much when it comes to this "football" thing. We've got a semi-final appearance in the first ever World Cup and a win over Engerland in 1950.

So you could at least take some time to do some research. For example, if you went over to Wikipedia, you could learn in three seconds that Joe Gaejtens scored the only goal in the 38th minute (so you weren't even close). You could also find out that "many not born in America" is a crock of bullshit--8 of 11 were American born. So shut the fuck up.

AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

I'd Make that Deal (Edition 2)

This is absurd:

"Frank Lampard's future remains uncertain after sources in Italy claimed Internazionale are preparing to offer Chelsea a part-exchange deal of £15m plus the Brazil striker Adriano."

Maybe I wouldn't make this deal. But, at the very least, I'd have to strongly consider it. Inter, you just bid 8m for Frank Lampard who has one year left on his existing contract. 8m is good value for a player who's going to peace out with no compensation when the season is over. Now you're offering twice that value plus Adriano? Adriano is worth no less than 10m (he's a Brazillian, he's a striker, he's 26...if 27 year old Peter Crouch can fetch 11m, surely Adriano's worth at least 10) so, essentially you're offering 25m for a dude who's 30 and, although I've defended him all these years, who has a negligible amount of value. I know I just posted 2 days ago about how much more valuable Lamps is that Gerrard but, come on--when both Lampard and Ballack were hurt, Shaun Wright-Phillips ably performed Lampard's role. He was able to muster some impressive performances and it was a damned shame when he was pushed out of the side. Dealing Lampard makes room for Mikel in the side and creates a space for SWP to slide onto the bench. I can get excited about a lineup that looks like this:

Cech

Bosingwa Terry Carvallho A. Cole

Mikel

Essien Ballack

Deco J. Cole

Drogba


With a bench of: Hilario, Alex, Wright-Phillips, Kalou, Adriano

That's right, I'm advocating for a 4-1-2-2-1. Or, if push comes to shove, a 4-1-4-1. Down 1-0 at half, tell me you wouldn't be excited to be able to mix in Kalou, SWP and Adriano to push for a winner. Or Anelka. I'm Big Phil and I'm already excited about that idea.

All I'm saying is 25m is damn hard to turn down for a 30 year old. That's all I'm saying.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Grammar Lessons for No One in Particular

What's that you say? This isn't a grammar blog with a soccer theme? You wouldn't know it from the content of this post:

"While he has no complaints with the new manager at Stamford Bridge, Luiz Felipe Scolari, relations with Kenyon appear to have broken down, leaving the midfielder with three options: sign a pre-contract agreement with Inter to join under the Bosman ruling next summer, or relax his stance and sign the four-year deal on offer at Stamford Bridge. The third path - to leave under the Webster ruling - would be the most complicated, and most inflammatory in terms of his relationship with the club's supporters."

Dear Guardian writers, why not just write "...sign a pre-contract with Inter, relax his stance and sign the four-year deal at Stamford Bridge, or leave under the Webster Ruling. Without a doubt, the third path would be the most complicated...". If you're going to precede your list with a clause which includes three options, you should provide each one of the options within the parameters of that sentence. Otherwise, I say to myself, "Shit, the Guardian totally left out one of Lampard's options" until I read the next sentence and realize you're all idiots.

File this one under pedantry.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

You're Kind of an Asshole

Hey Frank Lampard. It's me, Stowe. Big fan. Loved that goal you scored against Liverpool in the Champions League semis--what a moment for you and what a moment for Chelsea. Truly inspiring. You're a real Chelsea legend.

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you to stop being such an asshole. Nothing personal, you've just been kind of an anus over this whole contract thing. I mean, the club did offer you 130,000 pounds a week for four years. That's pretty generous. It'd make you the best paid Englishman in world football (better paid than even $tevie Me!). Let's face it--you're 30, Frank; you're not getting any younger. And it's not that we wouldn't love for you to celebrate your 35th birthday at Chelsea but, hey, let's cross that bridge (or that STAMFORD BRIDGE HAHAHA!) when we get to it. I'm pretty sure we won't want to pay you 130,000 pounds a week at that point but maybe we can work something out. Maybe you can even slide into a coaching role--Scolari has said he only wants to work five years, maybe you could slide under his wing for a year before your old pal Mourinho came back. Huh? Huh?

Oh, you're going to continue to be an ungrateful bitch? Cool man. Cool.


BONUS ASSHOLE ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From commenter Sé on the Times Online article about Lampard:

"Lampard is grossly over-rated. This is a guy who failed to score in the World Cup finals despite his much renowned shooting skills. Crouch, by contrast, scored two. What does the not so special one, the one who spend lots of Russian money, see in him anyway?"

First of all, you totally nailed Mourinho. I mean it's not like he ever won anything without Russian money, am I right fans of FC Porto?

And yes, Sé, you're totally right. Lampard is overrated. I mean, what kind of asshole can't score in a World Cup? I've scored three World Cup goals and I've never even officially played a game. Too bad Lampard can't be more like his super-awesome compatriot Steven Gerrard. He scored two goals in the World Cup finals. Take that Lampard, you un-clutch son of a bitch!

What's that little rhetorical device birdy that just whispered something in my ear? You mean to say that Lampard is better than Gerrard at scoring goals and generally doing attack minded things? I don't believe it!

Lampard:
2003-2004: 58 games, 16 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 65 games, 20 goals, 16 assists
2005-2006: 51 games, 20 goals, 10 assists
2006-2007: 67 games, 23 goals, 16 assists
2007-2008: 39 games , 17 goals , 11 assists
Totals: 280 games, 96 goals, 60 assists
Averages: 56 games, 19.2 goals, 12 assists per season

Gerrard:
2003-2004: 47 games, 7 goals, 7 assists
2004-2005: 56 games, 13 goals, 5 assists
2005-2006: 52 games, 22 goals, 12 assists
2006-2007: 55 games, 14 goals, 10 assists
2007-2008: 49 games, 20 goals, 17 assists
Totals: 259 games, 76 goals, 51 assists
Averages: 51.8 games, 15.2 goals, 10.2 assists per season

So, essentially, he's been worth an extra 4 goals a year (and 2 assists) over five seasons. No wonder his team has always finished above Gerrard's over the course of this period. Yep, overrated. Sé, you should probably stop being such an asshole.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I'd Make That Deal (Edition 1 of Many)

Famously, Dan and I once decided that we would NOT have sold Benjani to City for 7.6m, thereby making us more qualified to run Portsmouth than their chief executive (we would've sold David Nugent and maybe Pedro Mendes to raise funds for Defoe--thereby creating a pretty impressive mid-table strike force of Benjani and Defoe supported by Utaka and Kranjcar). Ever since then, we've been asking ourselves, "Would we make that deal?" Welcome to the Frustrated Strikers first edition of I'd Make that Deal.

Spurs have decided that they absolutely gotta have Blackburn's bald-headed winger David Bentley. Their offers:

Offer 1: Bentley for Aaron Lennon + 7m
Offer 2: Bentley for Darren Bent and Paul Robinson
Offer 3: We've also got Anthony Gardner and you can have him if that makes any difference!!!!

Me, I'd take Offer 1 or Offer 2 or, hopefully, a combination of 1 and 2 that gives me Lennon and Bent and leaves Robbo as far away from my team as possible (I mean you just don't want that shit anywhere near your training ground). Lennon is younger and faster than Bentley and Bent is pretty unabashedly awesome and thrives when clubs rely on him (which Blackburn would no doubt have to do after they let Santa Cruz go). I think I speak for Paul Ince when I say, "Make it happen."

A Lot of this is Wrong

Folks, we're nearly to the midway point of the transfer window. Very few deals worth noting have actually been signed which means it's time to speculate wildly. Apparently, the Times writers are tired of spending their time surfing the interwebs and sporadically playing games of UEFA Euro 2008 and have composed a "Story so Far/What Happens Next" transfer summary for each Premier League team. Lucky for us, they're wrong on a whole lot of stuff and I too am bored enough of Euro 2008 to spend time pointing out their mistakes re: Chelsea. Here we go:

"The story so far Luiz Felipe Scolari has replaced Avram Grant, Peter Kenyon, the chief executive, has signed a right back who can defend, Roman Abramovich has seen what he has been missing at Euro 2008 and Deco has signed for £90,000 a week."

Paulo Ferreria, Asier del Horno, Khalid Boulahrouz and Juliano Belletti are all crying in corners somewhere because of that right back jab. That's some mean shit, Times writers.

The assertion that Deco is "what Roman Abromavich has been missing" baffles me. Unless "Deco" is secret code language for fiscal responsibility and leaving a coach like Jose Mourinho the fuck alone after two Premier League titles, I'm not sure he really fits the bill. I know this is probably just a shitty example of metonymy but I'm not really sure he's what Chelsea needs either. Another aging midfielder? Sign him up! (Incidentally, I'm excited he's coming but are we any better with him than we are with Malouda or Lampard or Kalou? No.)

"What happens next? Didier Drogba is replaced by Samuel Eto’o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona, Branislav Ivanovic joins Juventus, Steve Sidwell signs for Aston Villa or Newcastle United and Claude Makelele moves to Paris Saint-Germain."

I don't know who Samuel Eto'o Andriy Shevchenko takes off to Barcelona is but I think he's going to be a hell of a replacement for Didier. Great editing Times Online Staff!

Happily, it's not just forgotten commas that we get to nitpick. The Drogba/Eto'o deal makes only minimal sense--it's certainly not a like for like and while Mourinho was an enourmous admirer of the Cameroonian, he didn't come to Chelsea precisely because Abromavich (and Kenyon presumably) didn't think he was worth all the cash they'd have to shell out. And while I can usually get jazzed about 27 year olds coming off injury riddled seasons who have never played in England, I just don't see this one working out. Berbatov is not cut-price like Eto'o but would be worth the money; Santa Cruz is a viable option. Or best-available-striker David Villa if we'd like to not repeat the Franck Ribery/Fernando Torres debacle from last year.

Why anyone, much less Barcelona, would be interested in Andriy Shevchenko is beyond me.

The Branislav Ivanovic to Juventus rumor is the strangest thing in this whole article. Why? How? Who the fuck did you hear that from? The boy has yet to make his debut for Chelsea--what would compel us to sell? And will his great form for the Chelsea reserves compel the Old Lady of Turin to buy?

I don't see Makelele moving--he's been offered a coaching role at Chelsea and could probably feature in enough games (15-20, depending on how Big Phil takes to him) to keep him happy. If he wants to go to France, so be it and it's such a meaningless deal at this point (dude's 35) why even mention it?

And it was reported like a month ago that Chelsea and Villa had already agreed a fee for Sidwell, opening the door for Barry's exit. So there's one. Congrats TOL!

Guardian Editors Succumb to Fox News-like Standards

and, in doing so, they give us the following headline:

Newcastle deny Bin Laden Link

Hilarious. Foreign regimes have to deny links to Bin Laden. Shady dictators have to deny links to Bin Laden. Now we can add Newcastle United to those ranks? Excellent.

In essence, a group of people related to (but not) Osama bin Laden are considering a 300m pound bid for Newcastle. The article is very tasteful and notes that the company, run by Osama's half brother Bakr, has long since cut ties to the al-Qaida leader but, with a headline like that, why would you even bother to read on. As far as I'm concerned, they're no longer the Magpies--let's call them the Fatwas. After all, it's better to be terrorists than perennial underachievers.